There's been a lot of talk and celebration regarding a certain bearded mass murderer who, after decades of terror and evildoing, was put to rest at the hands of American armed forces Sunday evening.

(America, Fuck Yeah.)

Celebrations at Ground Zero in New York City and other landmarks around the world are going strong, and we thought we'd suggest a special way you can celebrate in the privacy of your own home.

(Though knowing many of you, this also extends to the driver's seat in 405 traffic, your office bathroom, and in a semi-empty level of the Beverly Center parking lot.) Whatever floats your life raft, buddy.

May is Masturbation Month!

Now we were under the impression that this is something to celebrate every month, seven days a week even, but hey – if there's an opportunity to diddle around judgment-free every day, we grab it by the balls.

Our typical weekly breakdown:

  • Make Me Moan Mondays
  • Twat Tickling Tuesdays
  • Wet Dream Wednesdays
  • Thumb-Fucking Thursdays
  • Full-Frontal Fridays
  • Sit on It Saturdays
  • Someone Get Me Some Gatorade Sundays

Stay hydrated, people. There are a lot of fluids flowing and a cramp is a surefire way to ruin a diddle session.

Dr. Carol Queen, lead sexologist at sex-positive adult boutique Good Vibrations and co-founder of the Center for Sex and Culture up in San Francisco, hosted the 10th Annual Masturbate-A-Thon last week to pump everyone up for the coming month. (Both puns simultaneously intended.)

Need inspiration? See how your fellow Californians fingered, flittered and hand-fucked themselves in honor of the event in this wonderfully NSFW photo gallery courtesy of our main hos up north at

Or how about checking out sex educator Jamye Waxman's tips for, let's say organic masturbation using sex toys courtesy of Mother Nature. (Yes, we're talking about produce. Click click click, you know you want to.)

Whether or not you need an excuse to stick your hands down your pants, or you simply plan to use Masturbation Month as an reason to take more time off work and put more time on (and in) your private parts, remember one thing: practice makes perfect-ish.

The more you do it the stronger your pelvic floor, ejaculation control and sexual confidence will get. So what are you waiting for? Tug, flick, jerk and thrust your way to better health. Treat yourself – it's a holiday!

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