Really, the juvenile jokes write themselves on this one. That won't stop us from giggling like little boys who just heard a fart joke.

A man in England, frustrated at his partner's inability to put down the smash mommy porn hit “Fifty Shades of Grey” decided to take matters into his own hands. Raymond Hodgson, 31, covered her in a substance known as “brown sauce,” which is a bit like steak sauce, except more Orwellian and terrifying.

Apparently he didn't approve of it because he considered the book to be porn. This guy must live somewhere without Cinemax. In what is one of the most ploddingly ironic turns in the history of news, Hodgson covered his partners body from head to toe with brown sauce. He squirted it all over her body, caking it in her hair and even getting a little on the walls.

Yes. Yes. Read it again. Out loud this time.

Hodgson plead guilty to common assault, sort of like our own simple assault, but in a book of laws drafted by hobbits and gnomes. He's now the proud owner of a house arrest anklet. Hodgson also paid a fine of about $150 and has to undergo something called community order, which is sort of a combination between community service, probation and high tea.

Perhaps most oddly, his (now ex) girlfriend claims that she slapped Hodgson, a claim that he denies. This might have helped him to avoid cleaning up a different kind of brown sauce from the streets of England for the next six months. It's a sad way to end a five-year relationship, but at the very least it won't be too hard for the pair to split: They both still live with their parents.

What's perhaps most interesting is that the BDSM in “Fifty Shades” has crossed over into the mainstream, but messy food play hasn't. By all accounts Hodgson's erstwhile girlfriend was neither amused nor aroused by being treated like bacon, which is the English word for “ham steak.”

The pair have split up, but Hodgson made a quip that will surely land him on a reality show in the near future: “I did it to show her what saucy really means.” Now that's a full English breakfast we can get behind. Hayoooo!

Of course, the real story here is the press's inability to restrain itself in using double entendre to describe the attack. We challenge you to find a single headline that doesn't use the term “squirt” or some variant. Still, one thing that has been left out of just about every news item on the subject: Which is hotter? The spicy tang HP brown sauce or the steamy relationship between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey?

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