Monty McMahonNo, we're not talking about that idiotic show “Basketball Wives.” We're talking about the real thing. It's the NBA offseason and we're in the middle of a lockout, so there's plenty of time for ballers to get hitched, or at least engaged.
Here's a look at this summer's newly minted basketball wives, along with the women who will soon join them. In some cases, the players are actually playing way out of their league.
As always, we've managed to make this exercise entirely about the superficial. We'll poke, prod, judge and rate these broads as arm candy, which is exactly what they are.
Savannah Brinson (LeBron James)
Look, we're not saying she's ugly, but the self-proclaimed King James, the oft-anointed best basketball player in the world, should be able to do better. Miami Heat teammate Dwayne Wade dates Gabrielle Union for Christ's sake!
Then again, Wade has taste, a championship ring and doesn't disappear in the fourth quarter.
LeBron has a lot of excuses and a girl from Akron with chubby legs? Way to go, brah! Maybe you shouldn't have gotten her knocked up in high school, huh?
Rating: 3 (plastic surgery candidate)
Adrienne Williams (Chris Bosh)
First of all, when you see these two together, something looks amiss. Williams is about two feet shorter than the 6'9″ Miami Heat forward. Bosh looks like he's dragging a child around with him. He could probably palm her head and dunk her. She probably has to get on a step ladder to kiss him. Everyone's the same size when they're lying in bed though, right?
Also, I guess she could just about fellate him standing straight up, so that's a bonus. The bottom line is Williams just doesn't measure up, so to speak. She's all makeup and breasts and her breasts aren't really even that great. They're just constantly prominent.
We're also pretty sure she only talks about shopping and says, “like” in every other sentence.
Rating: 4 (someone won the ghetto lottery)
Ayesha Alexander (Stephen Curry)
Alexander just married Golden State Warriors guard Stephen Curry. She's an – stop me if you've heard this one before – actress/model. What's she been in? Nothing where you would have noticed her.
Despite her seeming lack of talent, she's pretty decent looking, just like most other waitresses… I mean, actresses in Los Angeles. Alexander and Curry seem like that cute young couple who kind of look like brother and sister.
Anyway, Steph could have done a lot worse. We kind of think a dude who has averaged 18 points per game could have done a lot better, too.
Rating: 6 (good-looking waitress)
Kim Kardashian (Kris Humphries)
If dating were basketball, the New Jersey Nets' Kris Humphries would be playing in the NBDL while dating a Laker Girl. Actually, Humphries plays for the Nets, so that's pretty much like playing in the NBDL.
Here's a dude who's averaged 5.4 points and 4.7 rebounds in his career and landed a chick most men have had a fantasy about at one time or another. Kim Kardashian isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she pulls in eight figures annually and might have the best (or biggest) ass on the planet.
Of course, all of us have already seen her with Ray J inside her. She has to be docked slightly for that.
Rating: 7.5 (celebutante)
Maria Sharapova (Sasha Vujacic)
Talk about someone playing out of his league. Look no further than former Lakers and Nets guard Sasha Vujacic (he's opted to play in Turkey during the lockout).
You've got a mediocre basketball player (5.6 career ppg) who looks like a garbage collector engaged to one of the world's best female athletes. She has model good looks is the highest-paid female athlete in the world for the seventh year in a row.
It's a mismatch of epic proportions, kind of like asking the soon-to-be Mr. Sharapova to guard Kobe Bryant. She's rich, successful, smart, athletic, beautiful and at 6'2″ has a body that will blow your mind.
She's losing a point for bad judgment, though.
Rating: 9 (next to perfect)
Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.