Shea Serrano[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Khia's “My Neck, My Back (Lick It)”
History: “My Neck, My Back” was recorded in 2002. It's still mostly memorable for two lines: (1) “All you ladies pop that pussy like this,” which is the very first thing Khia says, and (2) “My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack,” which is the chorus. When it came out people were like, “Oh my word, she's objectifying men,” and most people thought that was fair; funny, even. But Too Short was like, “Nuh-uh, honey” and recorded a retaliation track called “My Dick, My Sack**,” and that makes him an accidental participant in the gender wars.
**You can probably figure out how that chorus goes.
Atmospherics: It sounds like a frown. It sounds like the very best shift at a gentlemen's club. It sounds like a rocky childhood.
Scientific Analysis:Science is nothing if not based on objective analysis, so let us focus solely on the parameters of the cunnilingual indoctrination addressed here, removing the vulgarity component from this equation entirely. I mean, scientists need to be mature. That's why we call it the Reproductive System and not the Weiners and Girl Parts System, bro. Come on.
Seemingly, this song implies a liberation of sorts, and that's probably why it gained the traction that it did in the early aughts. But a proper examination of the aforementioned lyrics (the popping and the licking) reveals the rigidity of Khia's instructions. To wit, the first: “All you ladies pop that pussy like this.”
That is no suggestion, sirs and ma'ams. That is a direct order. This is right and that is wrong. The consequences for popping like that, rather than like this, are never stated, but they are implied to be unpleasant.
The second: “My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack.”
If we're to believe Lever's doctors, there are 2000 body parts. Of those body parts, only four are acceptable for tonguing. That's a mere 0.002 percent, yo. If Reggie Evans and Blake Griffin had a baby, and that baby grew up and made it to the NBA, it'd still shoot a higher free throw percentage than that. What's more, that she'd select exactly four parts, same as the number of parts in that one children's song (“Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes”), is blatantly irresponsible. What if someone were to get the two confused?
What if Mrs. Crabtree wanders into her kindergarten class tomorrow morning, announces that they'll be starting the morning off with everyone's favorite song about four human body parts, then accidentally recites Khia's version? DEVASTATION, that's what. Kids hold onto fucking EVERYTHING. You'd have 22 five-year-olds in the cafeteria at lunchtime telling people to lick their cracks, and that's funny for, like, two minutes, but then people start getting put in jail.
No wonder China is winning.
Conclusions:
(I) Whereas Snoop let his congregation wander freely, mingling with Like This and Like That and Like That And Uh, Khia demands you maintain an allegiance only to this, never to that.
(II) It is never attractive for anyone to tell anyone to “lick my crack.” Rude, rude, rude.
(IV) If the NYSE starts offering stock in China, buy it.
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