Alan ScherstuhlRanters: 50ish white woman wearing teensy, ineffectual gray Splice tank top and trying to hide a can of Steel Reserve; 40ish black man, in beret and yellow button-down shirt, who occasionally drags woman onto his lap but then occasionally pushes her away in disgust.
Location: Bus stop, 14th & Grand
Time: 12:45 p.m., Thurs., Aug. 19
Topics covered: Cash money, shit motherfuckers do not have it figured out, diarrhea, the act of defecation's similarity to a famous magic trick, the golden age of radio, the difficulties of fighting someone who is intangible
Did Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should or Should Not Fuck With? Yes.
The Rant:
She: [laughing] It's not going to be pretty.
He: I keep saying it's all about the cash money. The cash money.
She: You got money.
He: I got shit figured out. All these motherfuckers don't got shit figured out … [pauses, considering.] Shit, I'm a Desert Storm veteran. I deserve it.
She: You deserted?
He: I deserve it because I got shit figured out, and these motherfuckers …
She: I have diarrhea. [Laughs, lies down in his lap.] Oh, shit, I have the runs. I hate the runs.
He: Is it coming out your ass?
She: [laughing] It's coming out!
He: Keep the rabbit in the hat! Keep the rabbit in the hat!
She: [laughing] What's that mean?
He: It means, don't let the rabbit out the hat! Keep it in!
She: [laughing] But what's that mean?
He: No one knows. Only the Shadow knows!
She: Only the what the fuck?
He: Only the Shadow is the one who knows. You know? That's old-time. That's before my time, but I still know. That's like … back before TV, there was radio, and there was the Shadow. “What evil lurks in the heart of men? Only the Shadow knows!” I know that 'cause I'm old, but I ain't that old.
She: You're not old. [Laughs.] The fucking Shadow.
He: You don't fuck with the Shadow 'cause he a creepy motherfucker. How you gonna fuck up a fucking shadow?
She: Only the Shadow knows. Oh, shit.
He: You gonna have drooping drawers. All sagging and shit.
She: [laughs.]
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