Travolta threatens to sue. See our update.

John Travolta, the actor who taught men how to strut, is gay? That's the revelatory allegation making the tabloid circuit this week as an L.A. author allegedly outs Travolta and other Hollywood luminaries in his self-published book, You'll Never Spa In This Town Again.

We're guessing there's a good reason it's self-published.

Some of author Robert Randoph's claims are pretty far fetched. Perhaps the one most, er, hard to swallow is that Travolta had sex with men — lots of them — pretty much in the open at a Mid-City spa (and that he's a bottom — can't really picture Vinnie Barbarino that way).

Randoph says he witnessed the action at City Spa & Health Center, 5325 West Pico Blvd., during the many recent years he has been a member there.

He even describes the kind of men Travolta likes (dark and Middle Eastern).

Problem is, for us anyway, is that City Spa doesn't seem to be on the “cruising” map for gay men. It's often described as a co-ed spot where Koreans, Armenians and Russians go for macho, old-school sauna sessions.

Even gay sites consider it off-the-grid: “You won't find any cruising or sex acts at City Spa. Instead, customers come simply to relax and rejuvenate…in the nude, of course,” reads a review at GayCities.

Perhaps the most damning evidence against Travolta is something the world already knows: He's a Scientologist.

Some in Hollywood operate off the assumption that otherwise perfectly sane people (Travolta, Tom Cruise) would only join such an organization because the Church of Scientology has some kind of dirt on them — gay dirt.

We don't necessarily subscribe to that theory, and, to appease our kind lawyers, would like to point out that Travolta and Cruise are straight unless or until they announce otherwise.

Still, if you'd like to imagine all the nasty things an allegedly gay Travolta allegedly did, read Gawker's account of John Travolta's alleged spa life. (Explicit language).

Added: We just thought of one other far-out notion ascribed to the author — essentially that Travolta had a thing for turning a macho, straight man gay for a day. Again, not buying it.

Added #2: One more thought: The guy's a bankable commodity in an industry known to buy insurance for people's specific body parts, and he's been allowed to be so publicly reckless?

This one is debatable, as there obviously have been many stars caught with their pants down, but this just adds another bullet point to our argument that this might be fiction. Getting down closet style is one thing, but doing so openly at public businesses — ones not know for discreet gay sex — is hard to fathom for a multi-million-dollar screen star.

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