FRIDAY, August 18

Fully Loadedis Paula Killen and Lisa Orkin’s comedy that promises “discourse on drugs, music, feminism, alcohol and sex with single moms.” Since when did feminists turn funny? The title, the pair tells us via an e-terview®, refers to “laundry, drugs, alcohol. But nothing’s more loaded than a kiss from a stranger.” Along with tackling the polemical topic of Laura Ashley dresses, Orkin and Killen promise new catch phrases for all of us. Sample: “I want to fuck you, but I can’t take off my dress”; “Is that Dolly Parton singing ‘Stairway to Heaven’?” and “I stopped seeing psychics when I got cancer, ’cause she didn’t tell me.” Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, 5919 Franklin Ave., Hollywood; Fri., Aug. 18 & 25, 8 p.m.; $8. (323) 908-8702.

The Fully Loaded gals would probably have a lot to say about Barbie Live in Fairytopia,the stage tour based on the movie.All I can say is thank God I have a boy. Kodak Theater, 6801 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood; Fri., Aug. 18, 7 p.m.; Sat.-Sun., Aug. 19-20, 10:30 a.m., 2 & 5:30 p.m.; $13.50-$47.50. (213) 480-3232.

SATURDAY, August 19

HoMos A Queercore/Homohop Festival makes its debut with Jill Sobule, JenRO, the Ex-Boyfriends, Addicted2Fiction, Rachael Cantu, Messengers From the Sexual Frontier and Shitting Glitter. Both nights end with a dance party. Straight people are welcome, we think. The Renberg Theater at the Village at Ed Gould Plaza, 1125 N. McCadden Pl., Hollywood; Sat.-Sun., Aug. 19-20, 4-11 p.m.; $20, $30 for both days. (323) 860-7300.

Likewise, gay people are also welcome to attend Bluegrass at the Ford. The organizers are the Bluegrass Association of Southern California, so you can expect the notch to be top. Performers slated include some of the genre’s finest, Lost Highway and Bluegrass, Etc. John Anson Ford Amphitheater, 2580 Cahuenga Blvd. East, Hollywood; Sat., Aug. 19, 8 p.m.; $27. (323) 461-3673.

SUNDAY, August 20

While a new 360-degree panoramic exhibition is being readied, the Velaslavasay Panorama and Gardens are open by appointment only, but — as Pee-wee Herman says, “Everybody has a big but” — all are invited for the 2006 Velaslavasay Panorama Ice Cream Social. Old-timey music will be provided by Charlie Cox while everybody enjoys ice cream, the carnivorous-plant display — no ice cream for them! — and even odder plants. The Velaslavasay Panorama, 1122 W. 24th St., Hollywood; Sun., Aug. 20, 4-6 p.m.; $10 donation for the refurbishment of the historic Union Theater. (213) 746-2166.

MONDAY, August 21

Irvine Welsh presents and signs The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs, described as “a gothic parable about the great obsessions of our time, food, sex and minor celebrity, and . . . a brilliant examination of identity, male rivalry and the need to belong in the world.” Book Soup, 8818 Sunset Blvd., W. Hollywood; Mon., Aug. 21, 7 p.m.; free. (310) 659-3110.

TUESDAY, August 22

Who’s sari now? While serious types take part in the U.S.-India Investment Seminar & Business Expo 2006 going on at the Convention Center, the rest of us can have fun at the Indian Pavilion, with more than 100 exhibits showcasing textiles, clothes and fragrant food. Get inspired by yoga demonstrations and live entertainment that’ll have you booking a flight to Mumbai. Kids can get “outsourcing” painted on their faces in bright colors! Los Angeles Convention Center, West Wing, Hall B, 1201 S. Figueroa St., downtown; Mon.-Tues., Aug. 21-22, 9 a.m.-5 p.m.; free (parking $10). (562) 865-2060.

WEDNESDAY, August 23

“AFI at ArcLight” continues its “AFI’s 100 Years . . . 100 Movie Quotes” series with another classic flick, The Maltese Falcon. When it was released in 1941, the tag line was “It’s thrilling . . . it’s chilling . . . it’s the most baffling mystery story in years!” They weren’t kidding about the baffling part (Mulholland Drive also holds that distinction), but it’s the kind of film that’s great no matter how lost you get. When Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade utters, “The stuff that dreams are made of,” go home and rethink your screenplay. ArcLight Hollywood, 6360 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood; Wed., Aug. 23, 8 p.m.; $11. (323) 464-4226.

THURSDAY, August 24

Let’s start with the purple placenta. A very good place to start. Afterbirth is an evening of “stories you won’t read in Parents magazine” with Caroline Rhea, Mike O’Malley, Carnie Wilson, Eric Weinberg, and Brett Paesel, who wrote Mommies Who Drink, which has a cover inspired by Goodnight Moon that made me laugh in my sippy cup of Chardonnay. Dani Klein, who runs the show, always gathers stories about parenthood you won’t hear at Gymboree. Unless there’s a bar called Gymboree. (Note to self: Find a bar next to a Gymboree.) M Bar, 1253 Vine St., Hollywood; Thurs., Aug. 24, 7:30 (press release says “7:30-ish”); $15. (323) 856-0036.

LA Weekly