Just when Top Chef apathy has reached a crippling level of “I just don't care anymore,” the brilliant marketing minds at Bravo have come up with a new way to garner cash interest. It's Top Chef … on a boat!!

Yup, the Top Chef cruise. Imagine: You, Gail, Tom and thousands and thousands of Top Chef fans, all trapped reveling on the high seas together! It'll be just like The Love Boat but with less love and more drooling fan adulation.

Apart from Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons, Top Chef Masters Hubert Keller and Tim Love will be on board, as well as cheftestants Jen Carroll, Tiffany Derry, Chris Hanmer, Mike Isabella (one of my personal un-favorites), perpetually hat-clad Spike Mendelsohn, Hosea Rosenburg, Angelo Sosa and Casey Thomson. Activities include “Top Chef quickfire cooking demonstrations and challenges,” “Special guests and surprise talent” and “Many more Top Chef-related events.” Oooo. Aaaahhh.

The cruise departs from Miami on April 11, 2013, and makes stops in Key West and Cozumel, Mexico. Tickets start at $699 per person if you want to share a room with three other people. Prices do not include booze (apart from a one-hour cocktail party). And let's face it, you're gonna need booze. So, let's say, including the $255 beverage package, tickets start at $954. And some room categories are already sold out!! (No, really. This thing went on sale yesterday and people are totally buying tickets.)

It sounds like torture to me, but if anyone wants to buy me a ticket (and a beverage package — duh) I will go and write the best Top Chef cruise story of all time.

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