Practice bathroom etiquette

By Joseph Hess and Mabel Suen

Editor's note: This post is half of a two-parter! Please read its companion post as well, Six Tips For Hosting Dirty Vagrants (Also Known as Touring Bands).

Musicians are selfish, entitled bastards. The most insidiously horrible ones tend to take their acts on the road. There, they can gleefully mooch off the kindness of strangers, rather than burn through their earnings with motel fare or power nap in Wal-Mart parking lots.

These musician leeches depend on promoters to book shows, open-minded patrons to buy records and wonderful people to house them. We have housed and been housed in our time, so we know full well that being a bloodsucker is no easy task. We're here to light the trail, with our tips below.

1.Throw your poopy toilet paper in the trash can

Or flush a lot of it so the toilet clogs. Going number two in a stranger's bathroom is a delicate balance that can and should definitely be disturbed. If there's a window, don't bother cracking it. And for shit's sake, don't bother closing the door.

2. If you had a bad show or an unpleasant experience with the venue, make sure you complain loudly about it

Chances are, the city you're in is smaller than you think, and you're bound to offend someone nearby! This is a good thing.

3. Scavenge freely

If you see some leftover pork ribs (or anything else, for that matter) on the kitchen counter, be sure to stealthily snag them and devour them over the bathroom sink, scattering meaty chunks everywhere in a drunken haze.

Also, make sure to hide excess bones or other unwanted scraps in the bathroom trash (yep — this has happened to us). Go ahead — take anything you want without asking, even though they'd probably be happy to share with you anyway. Sure, sharing is caring — but stealing is daring.

tp roll.jpg
No square shall be spared.

4. Use all that TP

Every. last. square. This isn't about poop. It's about snot. Forget about buying your own Kleenex to soak up your snotty cold. Just use whatever's laying around. Blankets, towels, the shower curtain…and make sure you wipe your sticky fingers on the house pets afterward.

5. Leave your mark

That means nose hairs, toenail clippings, and mysterious curly locks that can only be left to your host's imagination. If you floss, make sure you leave any remnants of oral hygiene around for their scrapbooks. The bathtub and sink your hosts graciously offered (or didn't, but you used anyway) is a great repository for all of these things.

6. Get up early and get in the way

The shower is your playground. Stay in there for a whole hour if you like. No hot water left behind. The people who live at the house can just poop in the backyard, if it really comes down to it.

Bonus points:

Sleep with your shirt off so the maximum amount of B.O. soaks into the upholstery of the couch. Use your host's towel. Leave trash wherever you see fit and put containers full of mysterious leftover food in the fridge. Definitely do not do any dishes.

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