Jeff Weiss
Are you frequently fatigued? Do you lack the energy to assault major American film directors over the role of O-Dog? Do you find yourself drinking beverages, one part Alize, one part Cristal, and one part Suge Knight tear drop, while wondering why your particular brand of thug lacks passion? Well, with the one sip of Hunid Racks', 2Pac Energy Drink, you'll be ready to smite all rotund rivals, pen rose poems of dubious merit, shoot yourself during robberies and keep hos in check (while clowning around with the Underground.)
Unless you're Faith Evans or a postal service employee disgruntled by the character of Lucky from Poetic Justice, something refreshing and naturally effervescent looms in your future–something with healthy ingredients like carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, taurine, sodium citrate, natural & artificial flavors, glucuronolactone, caffeine, potassium sorbate, sodium benzoate, d-calcium concatenate, guarana extract, panax ginseng extract, inositol, l-carnitine niacinamide, pyridoxine hydrochloride, cyanocobalamin. I know, cyanocobalamin, right? Get ready for the ride of your fucking life!
Don't believe me? Then listen to the sagacious wisdom of the fine people at Hunid Racks, who guarantee that if you “drink a can, [you] improve your daily hustle. Drink two cans, get 'yo hustle on.” Rick Ross drinks 17 of these each day. Does this account for his obesity? Maybe. Does it account for his success? Absolutely. *
After Rick Ross Learned to Hustle at a Shirts Vs. Skins Basketball Game He Never Looked Back
As Hunid maintains” “the 2Pac energy drink is for the “real Hustlers…focused on goals…who want to upgrade their mind body and soul and…reach their ultimate goals.” Lofty goals…like hanging out with Hussein Fatal and E.D.I. Amin of the Outlawz. ** After all nothing's more wise than the company motto: “Don't look behind, look ahead, erase the past get that cash!” Exactly the sort of forward-thinking economic policy implemented under the Bush administration.
Indeed, imbued such wiry energy, the makers of Hunid stay awake 22 hours a day, enabling them to read each issue of Harper's, Field and Stream, and Retired General. Thusly, they're aware of the deep economic rut and the many choices any hip-hop beverage connoisseur has to choose from: Pit Bull, Crunk, Drank, Pimp Juice, Hyphy Juice, Loud Energy Drinks and of course, good ol' fashioned syrup. All , fueled by the spirit of condescending and everlasting stereotypes, yet none that can match the immortal power of the ghosts of overrated and dead rappers. 2Pac Energy drink: Baby, toss it up! (and down).
* God knows, it isn't his talent.
** One reason Biggie defeats 'Pac is a stronger weed carriers JV. Lil Cease + Lil Kim > Outlawz combined (“All Eyez on Me,” “Hit 'Em Up” exempted.) Conspiracy is better than you remember–it still isn't that good.
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