Simone WilsonInternet junkies earned a new respect for Ghostface Killah back in March, under the illusion it was he who had conjured the brilliant and hysterical (to the point of tears) “Top 10 Softest Rappers In The Game.”
But when West Coast darling Wiz Khalifa and the other teddy bears on the list started whining about disrespects, etc. — Wiz called Ghostface “corny” on hip-hop radio and said, “He played himself, yo. Seriously. 'Cause like, we're a young generation of fans. He could possibly sell some records to those kids” — the Wu-Tang vet took great pains to let the world know the blogger in question was a big fake.
The Clan immediately ordered the impostor's site, bigghostnahmean.blogspot.com, taken down. And as the Soft List spiraled into viraldom elsewhere on the Internet, Ghost issued a disapproving official statement via triple-threat Twitter attack. (Or “three-ply,” as Ghost-fake might word it. Gawd, that list will never stop being funny.)
Credit: @GhostfaceKillah via Twitter
Ironically, if the real Killah had penned the list — all in good humor, as any rapper with any humility would have eventually understood — it would have had just the opposite effect as Khalifa predicted. It would have made him relevant again. (Don't get us wrong: Ghostface is, and always will be, this lady blogger's No. 1 man. But how many kids you know who've given half a listen to the string of classics he's knocked out over the last few years? Big Ghost the blogger probably gets 100 hits for every album sold by his namesake.)
Not to worry, though. It was only a matter of time before rap's good-natured godfather came around.
He first started (openly) noticing the exceptional quality of his Internet mime around early summertime, when he found @BigGhostfase on Twitter. (“Yooow this twitter is Mad funny,” he wrote.) A couple months later, the once-shunned blog artist even got a #FF.
And when Ghostfase's much-anticipated review of the new Drake — Take Care, positively adored by critics of all pedigrees — dropped last Wednesday, amused tolerance turned to awe.
(Ghostfase has also found a fan in Questlove. Within hours of the novel-length Take Care post going live, the Roots drummer Tweeted, “yo. i aint supposed to laugh. but this @BigGhostfase review of “Take Care” was the highlight to my day.”)
The review's intro, in all its glory:
“Imma ga'head n introduce the nigga now namsayin. Ayo…kinda like ya boy Big Ghost…son goes by many names b…Drizzy or Aubrey or jus Aubs…n the Artist Formerly Known as Wheelchair Jimmy nahmean. But yalls might know him as The Kitten Whisperer aka The Harvester of Pauses aka The Taio Cruz of Hip Hop aka Young Garnier Fructis the pre-cum baby aka Jennifer Aniston's favorite emcee….n the muthafucka most likely to have a gateway to Narnia in his closet aka The Michael Buble of Rap or that nigga witta beatin vagina for a heart that you be hearin on the radio sandwiched between Katy Perry n Lady Gaga joints all day aka Justin Biebers beard n the only nigga on earth capable of turnin sandpaper into moist towelettes wit the touch of his hands…the vagina nectar-garglin nigga who makes lambs look dangerous hisself…..otherwise known as the Human Electric Slide… OctobVariesOwn….Drake.”
So, yeah. Fully endorsed by the Big G himself. Either this means Drake is such an obvious target that Ghost isn't all that concerned to see his own mask in the sea of bullies (come on — who hasn't made fun of his chunky grandma sweaters), or this is truly everything he ever wanted to say about Wheelchair Jimmy, but never could. How would you feel, all those decades of Wu grime built up in your gorilla chest, watching this emo little piglet inherit the rap game?
Ghost didn't stop there, though.
Here's his swoony-ass reply to the question, “Oh snap! it isn't you?“:
Straight eerie, at this point.
Not that we really believe they're one and the same. Ghostface has never been soft, exactly, but what has made him such a timeless legend is his unashamed approach to long-term boos and cuddly little Ghostface juniors and MF wheat pancakes — all that “bitchmade” ish. 'Fase would never throw in a line like “Yo Happy Valentine's Day to all the Lovers out there nahmean!” Oh, and then there was that R&B album in 2009. (A piece of perfection, in our very biased opinion, but definitely some dandelion kisses up in there.)
Credit: Big Ghost via Facebook
While the middle-aged rapper does also have a knack for staying hard through it all — snarling his lip and tilting his pimp hat, a natural gangster finding grit in banal suburban life — he likely wouldn't go so rough on a sensitive young dude like Drake. (Though he's obviously deriving loads of pleasure watching his “mini muse” do it for him.) Anyway, no one could possibly translate his own speech patterns into written word with such freakish accuracy, right? No one hears his own intonations and rhythmic placeholders — B, son, nahmsayin — to such nuance.
Ghostfase hasn't responded to our recent requests for interview, but it's probably just as well. The man (or woman) who changed forever the art of the copycat is probably better off anonymous. If only so we can maintain that pea of hope, in the pit of our stomachs, that this elusive @BigGhostfase is really our beloved Wu idol of old, awakening at midnight to tickle his smartphone with volcano thumbs and bounce a new generation of hip-hop toddlery on his knee.
[@simone_electra/swilson@laweekly.com]
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