Paul T. BradleyWhat's the old adage? “If it exists, someone's made porn out of it.” I suppose it's not really an old adage…but I've been told it's The 34th Rule of the Internet.
Recent controversy about condom use in The Industry has cast another dark cloud over Porn Valley, as highlighted in LA Weekly's cover story this week. This controversy comes on the heels of an, er, explosion of pornographic light-heartedness in the form of porn parody — a development that for better or for worse seems to be making more than a few folks smile. For those of you out of the loop, there's a parody of almost everything you can think of — and some you'd rather not.
No. Just…no. You Star Wars fans are just going to have to wait…
Unlike the porn parodies of yore (y'know…the VHS pile on the bottom of your older cousin's closet?) these new parodies aren't exactly run-of-the-mill, low budget offerings — like, say, naked ladies in Spock ears or a starlet in a leopard print somethingerother-“You Tarzan, me Jane, take off your loincloth..”-kinda thing. There's like, high quality body paint and moderately-priced-looking special effects.
Vivid Entertainment, a porn production powerhouse even launched it's own line of high-budget superhero parodies last year. Hustler's This Ain't Avatar was filmed in 3D and is reportedly the most expensive adult film ever made — the DVD even comes packaged with a ghastly, alien, nether-hole Fleshlight. Does porn know its audience, or what?
Geeks, nerds, and fanboys all seem to get a proverbial chub from the big budget, low-story, shitty dialogue blockbusters (I'm looking at you, actual Avatar) — so this is kind of a perfect marriage, right? Because between the parodies and the originals the real debate here is: who has the better dialogue?
Let's be honest…the language of pornography has a certain cadence…a certain poetic lyricism unlike any other form of, er, um, what is porn again? Is it art? Is it performance? Is it smut? Sure. It's porn. Where was I? Oh, dialogue. Yeah. Who actually has the better dialogue. After watching a handful of certified geek-parody porn — I'd say it's a total tossup. Let's take a look shall we?
This is the only way we should ever see the Simpsons naked. Ever.
5. The Simpsons vs. The Simpsons: A XXX Parody
Yeah, they did this. They actually did this. They covered live-action porn stars in yellow paint and they made a hardcore porno out of a beloved landmark of satire, creativity and imagination. Ugh. But what about that dialogue?
Real Line: “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.” -Homer
Parody Line: “Homie, I was thinking maybe we could try out the camcorder in a sexy kinda way? Let me get a little more comfortable…on the floor.” -Marge
Winner: Original. Hands down.
Parody Points: Moe finally has sex with someone: Cookie Kwan (Number One on the West Side!)
Kill Kirk! Or…at least sleep with his main squeeze first…
4. Star Trek (original series) vs. This Ain't Star Trek
This one has been done so many times. Star Fuck, Fuck Trek, Sex Trek, blah blah blah. How's that dialogue hold up?
Original Line: “She is yours. You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often true.” -Spock
Porn Parody Line: “Commander Khan, please, I'm only here on business.” -Some sexy crew-lady
Winner: Original
Parody Points: None.
Flintstone Beastiality Porn Parody? Rule 34 says: Yes.
3. The Flintstones (1994 film) vs. The Flintstones: A XXX Parody
Original Line: “You know, Barney, life is funny. One minute people are your best friends, and the next you're fantasizing they're being ripped apart by a pack of rabid wolves!” -Betty Rubble
Porn Parody Line: “Wilma, I find you incredibly sexy and I've fantasized about having sex with you for years…” -Betty Rubble
Winner: Parody.
Parody Points: No one in the parody wears creepy body paint, and the 1994 film did more damage than a porn parody ever could.
2. Batman (1967 Series) vs. Batman XXX: A Parody
Another one that's been done more than enough times. Buttman, Batbutt, Batbang, er whatever.
Original Line: “Let's go, Robin. We've set another youth on the road to a brighter tomorrow.” -Batman
Porn Parody Line: “We must give credit where credit is due, Robin. She is evil, but she's also quite attractive.” -Batman
Winner: Parody.
Parody Points: Director Axel Braun used as much of the original production design as he could — from matching the original fabrics to renting the actual original car for the porn production.
The whole Avatar Porn Parody Package…with Nav'i Fleshlight…
1. Avatar vs. This Ain't Avatar
Original Line: “Parker. You know, I used to think it was benign neglect, but now I see that you are intentionally screwing me.” -Whatever Sigourney Weaver's character's name was
Porn Parody Line: “You gonna make me a dirty little bitch on Pandora?” or mid-fellatio, “It's biolab protocol, Marine, gotta do it.” -Sigourney Weaver's character, being played by Porn Star Karaoke emcee Nicki Hunter.
Winner: Parody, obviously.
Parody Points: The dialogue is pretty standard for porn…whatever that means…and it sounds more natural than the original. Well done, Hustler, well done.
Maybe there's a way parody can promote and encourage condom use? If someone's going to be covered in waterproof yellow paint while figuratively raping our collective childhoods, why can't they, y'know use relatively unobtrusive rubber sheaths? Food for thought.
For those that live for Rule 34 and think that its as immutable as the speed of light — yes, there's a Jersey Shore parody, a Seinfeld, a Married: With Children and even a Top Chef parody (see: Top Heavy Chef). But, there is one show completely untouched….so for you go-getters in the San Fernando Valley or anywhere on the internet, really…I have a challenge, that's right: The McLaughlin Group. Once a staple of SNL satire — the decades-old, venerable public affairs show remains un-pornified. Go for it — I triple. dog. dare. you.
McLaughlin is clearly disgusted by what they did to his beloved Avatar
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