Years ago I remember hearing a story about a girl I grew up with fucking herself with a cucumber. That tale always stuck with me until I stuck one in me. This was back in my pre-intercourse days so it wasn't as romantic an experience as I imagined it would be, but it got the job done.
When you can't afford toys or the real thing's not available, you've got to think outside of your box girls, and get creative. The same goes for you guys, too. The following list has the ladies in mind, but the men out there can get off on them just as well. Special suggestions for dudes will come in a later article.
In one of my last pieces I recommended practicing dick-sucking techniques on vegetables, and I feel the same way about sex. Try banging things around your home or apartment. You should use what's handy, and they don't always have to be organic.
When I want to get-off on objects, I'll head to the bathroom. Using a detachable shower massager, bathtub faucet or Jacuzzi jet to masturbate with does the trick 1,2,3. Be careful to aim the water spray onto your clitoris, and not into your vaginal opening as this can cause yeast infections, vaginitis (irritation of the vagina or vulva) and will upset your natural PH balance.
• Clean it and use a condom! Whatever everyday item you choose must be sanitized first with soap and hot water, anti-bacterial soap or rubbing alcohol, then covered with a condom before putting it in your body. Otherwise they could potentially cause irritation, contagion or abrasions.
• Use common sense! Beware using wood and glass objects or items made of materials that have sharp or pointy parts, or elements that can fall off inside of you. Stick to plastics, cloth, or non-abrasive metals.
• Protect your parts! If you are simply laying your lady-bits against something, even after cleansing the area, keep a layer between you and it, such as underwear, sweatpants, a t-shirt or towel. This will protect yourself, enhance the rubbing sensation, and even help to soak up any secretions you may omit.
Now that you've been forewarned - Let's have some fun!
If it can be inserted, has a smooth surface or vibrates you can have an orgasm with it.
1. Washing Machine
Catch it on the spin cycle, cop a squat on top, and ride it out. If you're standing, you can straddle your labia around the edge where the sides meet, or bending over, part them, and push back onto the point.
2. Hard Exteriors
Slide your pussy up and down anything firm that's flat or round or shiny; be it a bedpost, pole, railing, TV remote, calculator, coffee pot, candlestick holder, bicycle seat, table leg, chair arm or doorknob.
3. Soft Edges
Hump the corner of your bed, couch, chaise lounge, settee, ottoman or any upholstered furniture. Press your flesh into a fresh pile of folded clothes, or throw a stuffed animal between your legs and squeeze.
Grab a tablespoon from your drawer, rest the round underneath part against your clit and labia, and rub one out. Anything with a polished surface that'll glide across your skin like butter.
5. Things That Vibrate
Cellphone, electric toothbrush, electric razor (remove the blade), exfoliating machine, back massager, blender, hand mixer, Hoover upright, oscillating fan; all can be laid against your nether regions when in the "on" position.
6. Plastic Bottles
Wine, beer, and soda; if you insist on placing these in your privates, I recommend using the skinnier end. Avoid glass for the obvious reasons. Plastic travel bottles are also useful, as are those little containers filled with water you find on the bottom of store-bought flowers.
7. Long Thin Objects
Sharpie marker, candle, glue stick, broomstick, curling iron, hairbrush handle, hand-held mirror, rolling pin, and a turkey baster can all be incorporated into your after-hours activities.
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Snatch a screwdriver, hammer, plier, flashlight, file, bit driver, rake, spade, shovel or wrench from the shed to help unclog your pipes. Use common sense when picking which end to plunge into yourself.
Anything resembling a penis can be used for penetration purposes. Cucumber, carrot, banana, zucchini, summer squash, celery, radish, leeks and purple eggplants are all great choices. But I'd avoid implanting hot peppers.