Dave Shulman |
| illustration by Calef Brown |
“V-I-C-I-O-U-S!! Are we vicious?! Hell, yes!!”
—Cheerleader Mary (1962–)
Edison Junior High School
(Champaign, Illinois), 1976
My wife and I believe in the purity of something. We’re not so sure what it is, but we are sure it exists, and that it’s pure. That’s why, when we noticed a bit of room left in the Factory last summer, we decided we’d produce another Worker. Our sixth child will be snipped, dipped and packaged for presentation on Friday, May 2, and we thought you’d want advice as to what sort of gift to buy, to welcome little George (we named him after the Messiah) into this glorious Factory of the Lord.
So: Ideally, if you have the money, a Kahr model PM9 would be nice. Specifically, the PM9094NA, the one with a black polymer frame, matte-blackened stainless-steel slide and tritium night sights. Or, if money’s tight, you can probably find an MK9 for well under $500.
But anything would be nice. Any brand of 9mm micro pistol at all.
Let us pray: O Lord, please let our soldiers forgive the heathen dissenters for making them feel bad about doing Your work. In this time of Kingdom versus Kingdom, of teaching Your love of all mankind by delivering unto You the false caretakers of your anointed Fuels, thank you, Lord, for protecting our satellite-guided exploding phalli forever and ever, until the blessed will of Saint Kissinger (Cambodius 19:69) be done by Saints Halliburton and Bechtel. Here’s five bucks for Your trouble. Amen.
***
Did you see the Messiah’s news conference? The Messiah said that the bad people are mean, but that we are not mean. What a relief! And do you know why we’re not mean? Because — and this is the part that moves my wife and me to tears — because this is America! He said it, on television, just like that: America!
My wife and I believe in Fox News, 9mm micro pistols, AOL Broadband and Ari Fleischer. In fact, my wife was saying just the other day that she wouldn’t mind having Ari Fleischer’s baby, even if it did turn out half-Jew. But mostly, we like our freedom to defend ourselves overseas. Historically speaking, guns make it easier to kill bad people, and now that our commander in chief has gone and turned Messiah, we’re finally free to point the satellite-guided peaceguns of democracy into the ever-vestal womb of Manifest Destiny (if you’ll pardon my Freedom) and get on with our lives.
After Saint Halliburton has finished liberating Iraq, the United States of America must be similarly liberated. For example, some of our ungrateful neighbors still have subversive signs planted in their lawns: “NO WAR!” and “IMPEACH THE MESSIAH” and “MURDER IS BAD!” As soon as the Messiah gives the Word, my family and I will bust down the heretics’ doors at dawn and liberate them with our peaceguns. Heretics don’t believe in peaceguns, which is why they need us to deliver them Home. H-O-M-E home!
Back at the Factory, things are going well. We make cockroach-size crucifixes, recliner chairs, beer, pornography, weapons of mass entertainment, extortion contracts, legislation to prevent justice, boots, arm bands, bumper stickers, baseballs, moms, apple pies, potato chips, depleted uranium ammo casings, soda pop, paraquat, genocide-silencers, cotton candy, bunker busters, embedded reporters, Cheer, Joy, thalidomide, Snickers, cyclamates, saccharine and talking anchorpuppets.
Sometimes the Messiah visits in His bulletproof Hummer, blesses us with a $300 tax refund and leaves. We use the money to buy petroleum products from the Messiah’s subsidiaries.
See, democracy was getting old, getting in the way of the Messiah’s plans. The government was too big — sometimes some of the citizens were having a say in where the money went. So the Messiah dismantled the government. Now, instead of having to elect people to boss us around, the Messiah appoints kindly corporate executives for us. This way we know that our leaders are people who have a lot of money, and that they’ll pass laws as necessary to keep having a lot of money, which is why we live in a small state.
Did I mention? My wife and I live in a small state. Fact is, no one lives here but us. But thanks to the Lord’s Electoral College, our two votes can counteract the perversions of a stadiumful of New York Jews. Extra! Extra! We have might! New York Jews are out of sight!
***
“Rally ideas:
1. Invite a former player to speak and promote the team.
2. Invite faculty to dress up like some of the players and make the audience guess who they are.
3. Have a pie-eating contest.”
—The Cheerleader’s Guide to Life
by Cindy Villarreal
(ISBN 0-06-273291-9)
The Lord loves a good war. No one does better business around wartime than the Lord. And that goes for prewar and postwar, too. It doesn’t make any difference to the Lord; as long as it’s related to war, the Lord does good box office. That’s why the Lord made us. During wartime, the Lord pumps us up with just the right mix of adrenaline and desperation to generate some serious dollars for his Company. Now’s the time for us to do our duty by providing the Company with more Workers — pure workers, whose minds haven’t been warped by free time and secular mumbo jumbo. At last the Time has come — the Messiah has shut off the flow of our tax money into the Jew-run education system, with its fancy Evolution Theory. I swear — the next U.N. communist fag French German Russian Jew who tells me I used to be a monkey is gonna get a 12-gauge chestful of depleted-uranium-encased lead, courtesy of yours truly. Now we can reinvest all our money right back into the Factory, to fabricate the machinery that will rid us once and for all of Satan’s rainforests and family-planning clinics; to weave the silver linings for the Lord’s mushroom clouds. Hell, yes.
REFERENCES:
The Fox News Shop
(“Welcome, Shopper! Is this your first time here?”)
Coalition To Promote the Use of Child Soldiers
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