Last night I sat down at my desk – an armchair with a laptop propped on a pillow – when my cellphone buzzed:

“Wanna play?”

Word up. Bootycall.

As I immediately responded, “Duh,” and subsequently forgot everything nonsexual I was planning to accomplish that night, I wondered what proper booty-call etiquette might be — or if it exists at all.

I can't imagine that Emily Post devotes any time to the matter, but maybe she's got a slutty cousin who could start her own gig…

Question #1: Once you confirm that you both want to fuck, how to you decide who's “host” and who's “guest?”

Sure the host doesn't have the burden of driving/walking/rollerskating to the sexual destination, but she DOES have the onus of cleaning up the house, locking the cats in the bathroom, making sure the sheets are clean and that there's a new set ready to be laid down as soon as the other person leaves.

It's kind of a lot of work, but it's certainly a motivator to dust and do the dishes lickity split.

I didn't have time to clean my apartment this weekend so I hosted the other night in order to kill two birds with one stone.

Sure, let me pencil you in.

Sure, let me pencil you in.

Question #2: Once the other has entered, closed the door and removed footwear, how do you make the first move?

Unless you've already laid out a plan of attack, it's hard to know whether or not small talk and catch-up chatter is necessary in order to alleviate some of the guilt that often comes with using someone solely for sex.

Common entry-level (pun intended) comments include:

  • How's work going?
  • Still have that old bicycle?
  • You dating anyone?

    • Stick to questions that require a maximum of five words in response in order to get to the point quicker. You don't have all day; and if you do, get a fucking JOB.

    Question #3: Does offering a glass of filtered spring water insinuate you're expecting oral sex?

    Well I sorta expect that regardless of beverage offer, so let's just skip to Question #4.

    Question #4: If your elderly neighbors are asleep, and you know the Jewish family living above you is celebrating Yom Kippur, should you muffle your orgasm?

    Well yes, of course. It doesn't seem right to project your 90 seconds of bliss onto the rest of the community, especially when it's 11 p.m. on a religious holiday.

    Saying “good morning” to Loretta and Joe, and waving goodbye to the Feingolds as you head to work the next day, never stops being awkward when you know you kept them up all night.

    Lastly, but most importantly:

    Question #5: How do you get the person the hell out of your house before “Californication” starts?

    Make a choice. They're both mechanically sound.

    Make a choice. They're both mechanically sound.

    Do you use the ol' “I gotta get up early” trick (which only works for evening bootycalls) or do you simply hand him a towel and start making popcorn?

    I guess it depends on how clearly you've laid out the ground rules. I chiseled mine in granite and mounted the slates above my TV. (Martha Stewart would be proud.)

    Or if you're too timid to have that conversation and/or drill holes in your wall, maybe it's time to think about hooking up a DVR. Imagine what it'll do for your casual-sex life.

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