So you're curious to go to a strip club, but unless your buddy is a regular and brings you along, how are you going to pick which one? Yelp? Give me a break.
Thankfully for you, our L.A. Weekly experts have compiled the top 10 strip clubs in L.A. But don't get too excited — save it for the girls.
Rouge is the kind of behemoth strip club that makes you lose all sense of time and place, with five private dance areas and enough seating on the main floor for all of the bachelor parties, ever. The plush red velvet furniture in this Van Nuys strip emporium likely will remind you of opulence, which in turn will remind you of how much money you're shelling out to bear witness to these goddesses of nighttime nudity, which you should try to quickly forget. —Jessica P. Ogilvie
9. Déjà Vu
Complex ranked Noho's Déjà Vu 29th among its list of America's 50 best strip clubs. The club has been around for more than 15 years and offers a bunch of amenities for its customers, including more than 30 dance couches and six VIP booths outfitted for bachelor parties. The warmly lit interior may remind visitors of the '70s, as disco balls hang from the ceiling above plush, red couches on the main floor. —Elano Pizzicarola
8. Crazy Girls
The lights and stage here are like something out of a B movie, but don't expect things to get too blue at Crazy Girls. It's been a bikini bar (no nudity) for years, though the get-ups are teeny-eeeny. All the better to show off the ample ink decorating the rock chicks who shake here. Though it's somewhat divey, it's never actually crazy, dodgy or dangerous. Its heart of Hollywood locale (and live rock nights) attract a less aged-perv type and a more bodacious booze- and sex-seeking scenester contingent. —Lina Lecaro
7. Candy Cat Too
The Valley is a veritable goldmine of factory-style strip clubs like Déjà Vu and Spearmint Rhino, but sometimes a person just wants a beer and some boobs. For that, there's Candy Cat Too. The little topless bar in Canoga Park has stale pretzels resting on the counter and patrons who all seem to know each other, horsing around like a bunch of high school buddies at their 25th reunion. As for the girls, they're good dancers and low-maintenance. Just don't fuck with them. —Jessica P. Ogilvie
6. Hollywood Men
The pelvis-and-pecs parade known as Hollywood Men has been going strong for 17 years at various nightclubs around town (7969, Arena and now The Highlands). Thanks to a hunky assortment of performers, lively themed vignettes and a rousing climax to the strip show that sees the fellas get freaky face to face — crotch to cleavage, lap to lips and hips — with the female audience, it's as potent as ever. The screaming these beefcake bootie-shakers inspire is unparalleled. Bring earplugs and prepare for one of the loudest and lustiest experiences you will ever have. —Lina Lecaro
See also: 10 Best L.A. Art Galleries For Partying
5. Fantasy Island
Say you were on a road trip, and you were looking for the weirdest, most Raoul Duke-esque titty bar in town. In such a scenario you would find yourself thrilled to stumble upon 4. Fantasy Island in West L.A. The flashing but worn-down exterior looks like a haunted carnival, and the interior keeps up the façade with bright house lights, girls dressed in neon sporting menacing neck tattoos, and a lap-dance "room," which is really an open area that has all the privacy of a jailhouse shower. If nothing else, it's an exciting stopover while you wait for traffic to clear on the 405. —Jessica P. Ogilvie
4. Jumbo's Clown Room
The vampy landmark known as Jumbo's Clown Room sets the standard for nightly strip shows in Los Angeles. Other spots may show more T&A (the ones near LAX, for example) but this East Hollywood hovel isn't the consistent first choice to bring friends visiting town, or where newly legal liquor seekers celebrate their 21st birthdays, for nuthin.' The atmosphere is hip yet unpretentious, tarty but never trashy. It may have been different decades ago, but these days, the comely gals gyrating in barely-there get-ups and sky-high heels are doing astounding things on the pole and entertaining in a style that's more akin to burlesque performance than typical boobie-bar bounce houses. In L.A., where everybody's seen it all, not showing all actually makes Jumbo's the sexiest circus on earth. —Lina Lecaro
See also: 10 Places in L.A. to Draw Nude Models
3. Seventh Veil
Urban legend holds that the neon sign blinking outside the Seventh Veil on Sunset served as the inspiration for the Mötley Crüe song "Girls, Girls, Girls," and history tells us that parts of the music video were filmed there. But if old-timey hair-metal lore isn't enough to entice you to the club, how about this: Two stages. All nude. Skeezy enough that you feel like your dirty mind will be welcome, not so skeezy that you feel like maybe you should towel off the chairs before sitting down. —Jessica P. Ogilvie
This venerable L.A. hotspot has appeared on local and national best-of lists, solidifying its place as a favorite among Angelenos after 15 years in business. 4Play offers VIP bottle service as well as limo service and, on Tuesdays, up-and-coming pole dancers vie for cash prizes at its Amateur Beauty Night competition. The club apparently has drawn celebs, as 4Play features a video on its website of someone they claim to be Spencer Pratt. Hankering for brunch and willing to eat strip-club food? 4Play serves dishes such as steak and eggs, as well as pancakes. —Elano Pizzicarola
If you fancy yourself a bit of a badass, too edgy to succumb to the wiles of your average bottle-blond stripper but not above ogling pretty girls in general, Cheetahs is probably for you. Thanks to the tattooed, punk rock, Suicide Girl vibe of the place, you can feel like you're the sexual equivalent of eco-conscious by not buying into unrealistic standards of beauty, and since the dancers don't get naked, you can also get drunk enough to justify getting a lap dance. Pat yourself on the back and tip your dancer, my friend. —Jessica P. Ogilvie
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