1. Kim Richards (Last week: 7)
Kim! Welcome back! In one episode you've gone from snoozy wallflower to H.B.I.C. You and Yolanda Foster are like some warped version of Regina George and Cady Heron from Mean Girls. Yolanda's all "I'm new and I don't really understand girl world" and you're all "Watch this -- I'm gonna make every one of these bitches come to Ojai for the weekend and not tell them they might have to bunk with their mortal enemies, then I'm gonna get them wasted on rosé and so they make fools of themselves while you and I sit around and soberly judge them." BOOM. Kim Richards FTW.
2. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 1)
She's silent but deadly, y'all. And says Kim, for the millionth time, "She has an incredible aura around her." Watch out, she's coming.
3. Adrienne Maloof (Last week: 5)
Humility is a good thing, and we reward it with being bumped up a few notches. This week, Adrienne made the grand gesture by reaching out to Lisa Vanderpump in an attempt to mend fences. Sure, maybe it was because she'd pretty much become an outcast after accusing Lisa of selling stories to the tabloids, but whatever the reason, she called the meeting, bought Lisa a pinot grigio and apologized. And Lisa accepted, which was pretty big. Then in a surge of newfound power, Adrienne snagged the master suite in Ojai. Booyah! Once again, it pays to be friends with Kim this week.
4. Lisa Vanderpump (Last week: 4)
Promos for Lisa's new spinoff Vanderpump Rules are airing during the show, so there's that. But she's sleeping in a twin bed next to a half naked Brandi Glanville in Ojai, so there's that too.
5. Alexia Umansky (Last week: Not ranked)
Because she's learning to drive on a Porsche and a Maserati.
6. Kyle Richards (Last week: 3)
Kyle's always had her sister kind of under her thumb, but it's looking like that may not be the case this season. Kim's asserting her weird, spiritual, aura-reading side, which somehow makes Kyle's slightly evil cackle seem all the more wicked. And wicked ain't winning this week.
7. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 6)
OK, kudos to Brandi for writing a book and all, but do you know how frustrating it is for those of us out there slaving over blog posts to watch this former model/current Housewife/non-writer get a book deal? Still, bitterness aside, we can't help but be intrigued by the profoundly titled Don't Drink and Tweet ... and Brandi's Other Breakup Blunders. You know we're gonna read that shit.
8. Taylor Armstrong (Last week: 2)
Taylor managed to not get wasted and talk smack on Brandi for an entire episode, but that's about all we can say for her this week.
9. Camille Grammer (Last week: Not ranked)
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Camille at least makes the list for still being invited to Housewives spa weekends even though she's no longer a Housewife, and managing to slip in a few digs about Kelsey Grammer's small penis along the way. We still love you, Camille!