Ross A. LincolnWhat a weird week it's been for fans of penises and liberal politicians alike. Last Friday, NY Democratic Representative Anthony Wiener's Memorial Day weekend plans were ripped asunder when a weird dickpic was posted to his twitter account. Weiner claimed the unintentionally eponymous photo was the result of his Twitter account having been hacked and tried to laugh the whole thing off.
Too bad for him, because the entire internet erupted in rampant speculation. Did he post it? Was it his penis under them briefs? Weiner only made things worse with a series of increasingly bizarre interviews in which he stuck to his “I didn't send it claim” but refused to definitively state whether or not it was actually his penis. Super weird, right? As of right now, the scandal still hasn't died down, and all of America breathlessly awaits word of whether or not the distinguished gentleman from New York has, in fact, ever captured evidence of his potency on film. Hey, beats talking about the horrible economy, right?
The funny thing is, it's not even that good of dickpic.
The photo shows only a pair of boxer briefs concealing an obvious erection. No actual peen was seen, nor was it clear who the manparts in question actually belonged to. Boring. Sure, we're betting he eventually admits that yes, he's taken junk-photos but still didn't send this one, but even then it's dull city.
If Wiener really wants his wiener to be taken seriously, he should take his cues from people who really know how to expose themselves to a public that never asked for it. Here are the Four Greatest Penis (and 1 boob) Exposures in Rock:
5) Gene Simmons Sex Tape Shows America His Love Gun (2008)
You know how in PG movies and TV shows, women always knock boots with their bras on despite the fact no one does this in real life? Think again! In 2008 a sex tape appeared on the intertubes featuring legendary KISS tongue Gene Simmons getting extremely NSFW with someone who didn't appear to be his wife. After everyone suppressed their gag reflex, speculation was soon rampant as to the tape's authenticity. Simmons confirmed it was real, and now the whole world knows he leaves his shirt on when he does sexytime.
Considering how awkward the video is, thank goodness for small favors. Get it? Small? Hi-yoooooo.
4) Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's Honeymoon Video (1995)
Get a room, guys. And don't bring a camera.
Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson could never be categorized as modest people, so it came as no shock that they recorded a honeymoon sex tape to celebrate their 1995 wedding. Unfortunately, they subsequently failed to lock said sex tape in a secure location and it was stolen from Tommy's house, eventually ending up on what passed for the Internet in the mid '90s. From the video, America learned two very important lessons:
1) Tommy and Pam loved saying “I fuckin' love you baby,” a lot, and
2) Tommy Lee is shockingly well endowed.
Though the tape was unique in that its release wasn't a calculated PR stunt, Tommy's surprising endowment became even bigger when he ultimately settled with the company that illegally released the video for an unspecified amount, at which point traffic to the hosting site tripled and the Internet history began for real as everyone realized there's porn in them thar hills.
3) Special Ladies Edition: Janet Jackson's Nip-Slip Causes National Panic (2004)
Credit: We've censored it because scientists proved her breasts cause cancer.
Possibly the dumbest “scandal” ever. Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performance during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show caused a national moral freakout. Probably because they advocated the destruction of Israel, denounced the American Flag and single handedly helped Osama Bin Ladin escape justice. Ha ha, we're kidding, actually all that happened is a wardrobe “malfunction” during “Rock Your Body” that led to the shocking exposure of Janet's right breast. Suddenly everyone in America pretended that the NFL didn't feature loads of incredibly sexed-up ads and scantily clad dancing cheerleaders and agreed to treat her tits like the gravest threat America had ever faced.
Janet's nip slip led to a $550,000 fine against CBS and widespread agreement that Janet Jackson was, in fact, an adult woman, something no red-blooded American could ever stand for. We like our titillation underage, thank you. Luckily, the furor died down and Janet's accidental boobage made it possible, years later, for the worst Billboard Music Awards performance ever.
2) Jim Morrison Whips It Out On Stage (1969)
Credit: Minutes later, he loved everyone two times too many.
We can debate whether or not The Doors are one of the worst bands ever – don't worry, they are – but one thing that is not in dispute is the fact that Jim Morrison was an epic, self-destructive dick. And speaking of dicks, during a 1969 Doors performance in Miami, a blitzed-out-of-his-mind Jim ended a jumbled stream of consciousness rant by asking the crowd “You want to see my cock, don't you? That's what you came for.” This being the '60s, no one was able to tweet NO WE DON'T and Jim answered his own question by unzipping and literally inventing cock rock, showing the other members of the Doors (and Miami PD), ahem, his.
Despite the fact that Jim dropped trou for pretty much anyone who asked, the surviving Doors have since insisted that Jim never exposed himself. Sure guys, right. At least they haven't claimed he never shot up.
1) Cynthia Albritton (AKA Cynthia Plaster Caster) (1968-present)
You can't talk about Rock-related penises without mentioning Cynthia Albritton, the artist who made it her life's work to record in plaster of some of Rock's most luminous cocks including Hendrix, Jello Biafra and even Momus. Despite having erected this new form of art single handedly, she was eventually forced to sue a former business partner who tried to stiff her for ownership of her casts. This marked the first time a court of law had to deal with the serious legal implications of wangs (but not the last!)
These days she lives in Chicago, where she casts men and women and recently nearly completed the Weiner circle by entering politics, running for mayor in 2011. Sadly, she lost, presumably because she isn't as big of a dick as Rahm Emmanuel.
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