Emma CourtlandWhat to buy for the neighbor you suspect is a secret agent? The question plagues us every year. He's quiet mostly, always watching. He's obsessed with “the Soviets.” Also there's that fog that hangs perpetually around his house. So probably not a holiday sweater. Your gift must be something he can use, something that appeals to his worldly sensibilities, something that says, “I know but I won't tell, even if they waterboard me.” We've scoured the internet for espionagical kitchen gadgets that do just that, you'll find them listed in the dossier following the jump.
Salt and Pepper, Alias Cocaine and Heroin
5. Cocaine Heroin Salt and Pepper Shakers:
Understand that a secret agent cannot use normal salt and pepper shakers. Secret agenting is about misdirection. A target must only see what the agent wants him to see — specious trails of bread crumb and mismarked bottles. Thus, these salt and pepper shakers labeled “Cocaine” and “Heroin,” which are made from fine bone china in Staffordshire, England, like all the classy secret agent shit.
Matroyshka Measuring Cups
4. Matroyshka Doll Measuring Cups:
The secret agent's penchant for things disguised as other things is well documented and understandable. To him, dissimulated devices are simply more relate-able. Less documented however is his love baking, which reportedly has something to do with the intersection of science and art but there's no way to be quite sure. Coupled with his fixation for Russia, measuring cups disguised as nesting matroyshka dolls seem the perfect gift. In sizes ¼, 1/3, ½, 2/3, ¾ and 1 cup he can measure dry ingredients in furtive style!
Graffiti Martini
3. Graffiti Martini Shaker:
We understand he likes it shaken, but can't risk obvious cocktail paraphernalia. (The cocktail shaker is pretty much a henchman's favorite poison receptacle.) How about this nifty cocktail shaker disguised as a can of spray paint? Stainless steel construction, complete with built-in strainer and removable label full of drink recipes.
Whiskey Rocks; Credit: via Uncommon Goods
If there's one thing we've learned from Bond movies it's that villains love puns. Should your neighbor's enemies ever breach his inner sanctum, forcing him to serve libations while they prematurely divulge their secret plan for world domination, Whiskey Rocks might save his life. Chilled, these flavorless, colorless soapstone cubes will provide occasion for enough “on the rocks” puns followed by maniacal laughter to plan and execute his escape. And they won't dilute the whiskey, which is also very nice.
Diamond Ring Bottle Opener
1. Diamond Ring Bottle Opener:
Whether weeding Soviet moles from British intelligence or strangling her Majesty's enemies to death on an hijacked airplane, the international man of mystery must dress for the occasion. Sometimes it means blending in — tweed suit, Macintosh, specs — and sometimes it means wearing an ostentatious diamond ring that doubles as a bottle opener. WARNING: Product will not divert lasers as it is not a real diamond.
Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.