Sam PhillipsYou don't need to be broke to want to bang stuff found around your pad. If you're a dude all you need is a healthy dose of testosterone and curiosity – and maybe some lube. The men who saw the movie “American Pie” and later then went home to bang one for real are the types who are willing to experiment with pretty much anything into which their dicks can fit.
As I'm sure many of you guys have already discovered, that means the majority of the contents of your refrigerator, cabinets and most of your personal belongings can be masturbatory tools. Depending on whether you like to “give” or “receive,” the list below is for the penetrators of the residence.
BUT FIRST: Two pieces of advice. 1) Put a condom on your cock (or on any object you are introducing to your anus) before engaging in recreation; and 2) Make sure you properly disinfect all accessories and areas of frolic before – and AFTER – use.
And ladies – want to know how to find your own homemade sex toys? Check out this list for some sexy suggestions.
1. Banana.
Peel it and remove the fruit or cut the tip off and squirt the inside out, then rinse the rind with warm water and fill it with lube. Wrap the sections around your member, or shove your load into the hole, and pump. Prior to playtime you can put the skin in the microwave for a few seconds to warm it up, just be careful not to leave it in too long and burn yourself.
2. Pillows. Stack them on top of each other or side-by-side and fluff. Lie on top and go to town. You also can use just one; mold it around your penis and thrust against it. Standing in the living room, rest your wiener behind the couch cushion that leans against the backside of the sofa, or you can kneel and slip it under the seat pad. Crammed in between, you control the resistance as you press into the tight crevice.
3. Soft Fabrics.
She figured it out. What took you so long?
Plush carpet, sheets gathered, or blankets piled up in a ball are all totally fuck-able. You can use any sock sleeve as a cum-receptacle, or when you're in the shower hang a hot wet towel around your wanker to cocoon it in moist warm weight.
4. Tissue, Paper Towel, or Wrapping Paper Rolls. Choose the style that fits your manhood and then put a condom, latex glove, or other protective sheath – filled with lube! – inside the tube. Flip the open end over the top and secure with a rubber band or tape so it stays in place. You can hold the cylinder in your hand or wedge it between your mattresses or your couch.
5. Food.
All of this junk can feel great on your junk.
Cock-condiments are more pleasurable when warmed slightly in the microwave; but make sure you test the temperature first before putting your prick into anything hot.
Take a large cucumber, squash, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe, cut a hole to fit your erection in one side, and a smaller opening the size of a pencil in the other. Hollow out the inside to fit your circumference and then screw the squishy goodness. You can place your finger over the small hole and remove it to adjust the draw to simulate the effect of getting a blowjob.
Select a jar and fill it with stewed tomatoes, Spaghetti O's, mac-n-cheese, cottage cheese, oatmeal or peanut butter. Cover the top with plastic wrap and a rubber band, cut a hole and you're ready to go.
You can also turn your salami into a sandwich by slapping it between two pieces of bread, bologna, chicken breast, chicken skin, lamb kebob, spam, liver, lox, or steak. Grab your meal two-fisted, squeeze and squirt.
6. Plastic Baggie. Pick your size (from snack to storage), fill it with Crisco, Vaseline, Jell-O or banana pulp, and then stuff it with your meat. Hold the package in your preferred hand or cram everything under a cushion, then pleasure yourself to completion.
7. Rubber Gloves. When you want to feel like someone else is giving you the greatest reach-around of your life, don a latex sheath on your own hand before whacking off. Use your favorite lubricant unless you're into medical fetishes, or the sensation of being examined at the doctor's office.
Bonus Tips:
Hey lady, lend him a little mouth lube would ya?
• Saliva is often a guy's No. 1 go-to for free natural lubrication. Other popular alternatives that can found around the home are Vaseline, Vitamin E, Crisco, lard, butter, body lotion, vegetable/corn/olive/mineral/or baby oil.
• Never use soap, shampoo, conditioner or shaving cream, as these can cause a burning feeling in the urethra. If you do it anyway, beware that peeing and ejaculating may be painful for several days, but the stinging will subside.
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