The Internet says that today is National No Bra Day, which makes total sense because last week was Independence Day and the following was devoted to the art of face sucking. July's holidays are prioritized, obvi.
And while the holiday's official Facebook page (which makes it a zillion percent legit) reads as though this day is in honor of unleashing breasts from oppressive lace, underwires and clasps, it's hard to believe that the idea was developed with Girl Power in mind.
Sidenote: 259,668 “attended” today on Facebook. I was not invited.
Ladies, free your breasts for 24 hours by removing those dreadful (but at times oh-so-helpful) bras. Our perkiness should not be hidden. It is time that the world see what we were blessed with.
**If wearing a bra on this day is absolutely necessary, you can definitly show your support by wearing something pink.**
Still curious how titillating sex-starved men and frightening small children is a way to make the world embrace women's snowflake-like breasts and all the shapes and sizes into which they grow, but hey — if it makes you feel good about yourself, then do it.
Not every task on our to-do list is fit for free-floating boobs. Here are six activities to save for National Yes Bra Day:
1. Making Bacon
Yeah, sure, you can bake bacon and make it “healthy” but we're talking about real bacon. Fried in a small ocean of lard and oil, sputtering and spatting all over the place in order to remind the chef that she is doing it right.
But without the protective coating of nylon, polyester or cotton between the T-shirt and the titties, you're risking serious droplet-sized burns on your bulbous bits. It's just not worth it.
It's all in the abs, sure, but when you're getting into upper-cuts and right hook combinations there's just no way to control which way your boobs are going to flop as you flip.
The last thing you need is to hit the target with your areolas in the way — unless it's a distraction tactic. Then by all means give it a go, but anyone C-cup or beyond will likely cause your opponent to take too-frequent towel breaks.
There are just too many obstacles and opportunities for the kind of titty twister that would make even the biggest bully on the playground squeamish.
Depending on the age of the kid(s) you're dealing with, going braless — even if your boobs are teeny tiny — is just a bad idea.
Babies love to grab and pinch. And as kids age they become more curious about what those things hanging out of your shirt are, and heaven forbid you're handling girls aged 9-14 because all they'll want to do is ask to poke them.
Don't even think about taking a nap without strapping the kids in their beds. You will absolutely get felt up and it won't be adorable. (Speaking from experience.)
5. OKCupid Dating
The majority of dudes on OKCupid are trolling for quick tail or someone with whom to waste a few hours (horizontally preferably) and if you're planning to meet your future Mr. Call Me Maybe, you probably should save the titty show for after he pays for your frozen yogurt.