Halloween is like a get out jail free card for women. For many of them, it's the only time of year they dress slutty, so I guess that makes it a get of jail free card for their inner whore.
For guys, it's just confusing. You can't tell the easy girls from the prudes in disguise.
Regardless of whether you love or hate this annual carnival of skin, one thing is for certain – just about every possible costume under the sun has been sluttified.
Here are five that probably shouldn't have.
1. Big Bird
What does this costume say to kids? Your pal from Sesame Street likes to stumble around bars until someone fucks her bird brains out?
Or maybe it says, “I scalped Big Bird to make this aDORable hat, then skinned him for my dress! Anyone wanna make out?”
2. Mrs. Potato Head
It's true. We men have always had a secret crush on Mrs. Potato Head. She's fashionable, shapely and has no legs. What's not to like?
So it makes a lot of sense that there's a slutty Mrs. Potato Head costume. The lips on the dress are going to confuse us, though. How are we going to choose between a blow job and good old fashioned vaginal intercourse?
3. Chinese Takeout
Ah, good. Racist and slutty! We never really thought greasy food made by Asian people was sexy. That is, until we saw this.
Not only is it slutty, but it's also classy and is sure to get you roofied. Note the word “enjoy” is strategically placed over each breast and “thank you” is written over the vag.
For when you want to send that not-so-subtle message.
Way to take an enduringly loveable character from my childhood and turn it into a hideous amalgamation of fake fur and cheap hooker.
The great thing about this costume is your pussy will be hanging out the bottom of the skirt after a few drinks, so you'll probably be able to get fucked in a bathroom stall.
Jump in the Millennium Falcon and hit warp speed to Big Mistake!
5. Hulk Hogan
Really? Let's see, a mustache and sunglasses. What does that tell me? Decent body, hideous face, possible scarring.
If you fall into the brown-bag-the-head category, this might be a wise selection. If not, no woman with facial hair – real or not – is going to turn anyone on. The slutty Hulk Hogan costume actually defeats the purpose.
That being said, it does give you a plausible reason to tear your shirt off at the end of the night. Just be sure to yell something relatively coherent containing the term “Hulkamania” and you'll be fine.
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