Jamye WaxmanCunnilingus isn't brain science, but it isn't as easy as dumb luck either. Besides it being the most intimate of sex acts (I know it is for me), in order to really get a girl off you have to get her out of her brain.
Because until my brain is out of the picture, and just his tongue, chin, nose and fingers are, I can't fully enjoy myself – and I definitely won't have an orgasm.
I'm the kind of girl who loves good oral sex as long as it doesn't involve too much spit, or too little, and I will get off if I have a partner that doesn't have the expectation that he must dig his way to China in order to get me to come.
As a woman who has explored both men and women, I feel at an advantage knowing that I understand what it feels like to be licked, and I know where it can feel good to lap up another woman.
And while I can give some tips – upper left or upper right quadrant work wonders for most of us, or 2 or 10 o'clock if you think of the clit as a clock – I can't say there's one trick that works for every girl you'll ever go down on. I like circles and flicks, but some girls like side to side or up and down.
I know it's frustrating for you men out there who don't have clitorises and vulvas and don't get the same in-your-face signs of arousal from us that we get from you. And it's difficult to read a lady who doesn't know exactly what she wants, or at least not how to tell you what works.
And porn doesn't help! I call the cunnilingus you see in porn “cameralingus” because you see lots of tongue and lots of vulva, and when you're actually performing cunnilingus with the zest of a carpet-munching maven, you are so deep down in there that neither tongue nor vulva is visible to the naked eye.
You're using it all: chin, nose, tongue, fingers. You come up for air not because you want to but because you have to breathe. Since it takes most women more than 20 minutes to get off, and some of us a lot more time than that (I'm not going to lie) cunnilingus will take practice.
We'll get to that “lick it like an ice cream cone” technique another time, because today I'm here to encourage you to keep going for it, tiger! Going down is doing good for your girl, your relationship, your status as a man-loving pussy-machine. And even though it can take a while to master the art of the munch, there are a lot more difficult things to master than incredible cunnilingus.
Don't believe me? Here are but a few acts that take even more practice than learning to give head:
Riding a unicycle.
I know adults who can't even ride a bicycle, but for those of you who've managed the fine art of the two wheel peddle pusher, think of how much more time you'd have to devote to learning to ride the one wheel wonder.
And what good would it do you? Unless you're planning on joining the circus, or amazing your friends when they're drunk at a party (and you're not, cuz you're riding your unicycle), there's no point in learning this trick. Instead, learn to lick and flick.
A handstand.
You can do it!
I can't do a headstand, let alone a handstand. And sure there are benefits, like core strength, balance and grip strength, but still, how often will that impress the ladies the way strengthening your tongue does?
So practice some tongue exercises instead. Or pretend you're a lizard. Learn to relax your jaw. This should get you all geared up for action. It's a way bigger rush to get a woman off than it is to have the blood get to your head. Y'know what I mean?
Walking a tightrope.
Fine, you were king of the balance beam in high school gymnastics, so you may do the tightrope part with ease. But what about blindfolded? What about if you were not only blindfolded, but the rope extended from the Hollywood sign to the Griffith Observatory. Training for lengthy cunnilingus takes a lot less practice and patience than that.
Performing Beethoven's Hammerklavier Sonata.
Finger it. Just a little.
You don't even know what that is? Exactly. That's how difficult it is to perform. It's considered Beethoven's most difficult piano composition, and I can't even master his easier notes. Cunnilingus is way easier than tickling the ivories here.
Eating a tuna fish sandwich under water, specifically salt water, like the ocean.
She knows how to do it. But only when no one's looking.
You just can't do it. Besides the bread would get soggy, and there's something wrong about eating chopped up fish where fish swim. It's sort of like cannibalism.
Besides, it's way grosser to be drowning in soggy white bread and tuna while under water than it is to give head.
Getting into the Piledriver.
ouch.
Sure, when it comes to sex positions, face-first in between your partner's thighs may not always be your favorite, but there are some even less favorite positions that you could be in. Like the Piledriver.
That's the one where he drops down into her vagina. Not only is it unnatural to send his penis that deep…except for this one guy I dated who could have totally done it well, but the way we had to throw our legs over our shoulders and support our lower backs, ouch!
Anyway, cunnilingus isn't as uncomfortable as that. At least not for us ladies! So get to it!
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