Liz BrownSpring has officially sprung and the floral kingdom is spreading its tulips faster than a newly divorced cougar at Coachella. There's a reason the birds and the bees just can't stop making sweet, sweet love to the plant world this time of year. Flowers are just plain sexy.
Check out five flowers that look like vaginas:
1. Hydnora Africana (pictured above)
This parasitic flowering plant is known not only for its fierce vaginal resemblance, but also for the fact that it smells like shit. No — seriously. Hydnora Africana intentionally emits a fecal odor to attract pollinators like dung beetles. If you happen to run into a Hydnora Africana on a warm summer's eve, though, do NOT suggest that she consider a disposable douche or other feminine hygiene product. I did and she was so annoyed she sucked me into her “opening” for three days. I'm still drenched.
2. Poppy
For flowers, the “natural” pubic hair look is still “in.”
There has always been something undeniably sexy about that scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy passes out in a field of vaginas — I mean poppies! Like human lady parts, poppies come in a variety of different colors, shapes and sizes. The major difference between the human vagina and the poppy is that the latter's seeds taste great on a bagel.
3. Red Canna
This hot, wet red canna is waiting for your call. Only $9.99 per minute.
Georgia O'Keeffe was one of the first artists to call attention to the vaginal stylings of the red canna, but this tropical plant is more than just a pretty punani. Red canna produces an edible starch commonly fed to livestock. I guess this explains why cows love to chew their cud for hours on end. Those dirty, sexy bovines are honing their skills at flower cunnilingus.
4. Clitoria
You can call her “Clit,” but please don't call her “Tori”. She hates that.
Yes. That's her real name, and she doesn't appreciate you snickering. She's named after her Great Aunt Clitoria who was a really nice person, so just drop it, OK? Clitoria is native to Southeast Asia and she loves to grow in a wet, hot, sexy environment.
The red calla lily is the Sharon Stone of the flower kingdom.
5. Calla Lily
The calla lily has become the unofficial flower of Easter, which means church altars are covered in these big, beautiful vaginas every April. It's no wonder the Christian savior chose to “rise” around this time of year. The red version of the calla lily (pictured) has such a striking resemblance to the human vagina that it is rumored to have been offered the principal role in “Basic Instinct 3.”
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