LA WeeklyBy Greg Critser
1. Minor Irritants
A certain wearer of these Kawasaki 704 eyeglasses:
A. Conjured endless anxiety and concern for the future of the republic
B. Got a $6 million book deal for portraying said eyeglass wearer
C. Instigated the “hot librarian” movement in American fashion
D. Will be utterly forgotten this time next year
E. All of the above
2. Major Irritants
Faced with the sickest economy in Western Europe, the prime minister of Italy:
A. Promptly proclaimed the president-elect of his key ally, the U.S., “handsome and suntanned”
B. Installed two former Miss Italy contestants to his cabinet
C. Demonstrated his virility by eating “totally nonpoisonous!” mozzarella cheese
D. Spent much of the year taking members of the Italian foreign media to court for portraying him as “not honorable”
E. Was decisively reelected
F. All of the above
3. Local-ish Heroes
In September 1979, the young man pictured above entered Occidental College:
A. Because of the notoriously liberal college's “Satan Studies” program
B. Because of the notoriously traditional college's “Afro Awareness” outreach program
C. Because a really hot girl he knew was going there
D. Because he liked the fact that it had been the
setting for the “obviously semiotically driven” Marx Brothers movie
Horse Feathers
E. Because his favorite OP shorts could be bought at a discount from the mall up the street
F. Because each dorm had a college-provided beer-and-alcohol fund
4. Science Friction
Last January, in an attempt to leave a lasting legacy,
human-genome entrepreneur Craig Venter decided to put all of his
resources into:
A. Finding a definitive gene cluster that could elucidate the elusive origins of lung cancer, a leading killer
B. Starting a charity to inspire young scientists to “think outside the box”
C. Creating the first wholly synthetic DNA molecule, modeled on a bacterium that is only found on monkey testicles
D. A palatial seaside home in northern Scotland
E. None of the above
5. LDS, or LSD?
With an increasingly cosmopolitan membership experiencing
huge job losses, unaffordable health care and growing military
fatalities, the leadership of the Mormon Church decided the most
important thing to do was:
A. Mount a multimillion-dollar rebranding campaign designed to convince new immigrants that “Yo soy algo un Mormono!”
B. Extend their famed food welfare system to other struggling faith groups
C. Focus their famed tithing program on supplementing medical costs
D. Focus their famed tithing program on helping war widows and widowers
E. Stop gay marriage
6. Moroni, or Moronic?
Faced with a slim but decisive defeat on Prop. 8, Hollywood's leading gay activists decided the most important thing was to:
A. Celebrate that an intervention by God saved them from the suffering of a tyrannical, outmoded institution
B. Take up a Harvey Milk-like campaign to humanize
the face of gays as part of the community, and so win over critical
black support next time
C. Use discretion to direct a boycott campaign at only the biggest, wealthiest hatemongers
D. Regroup and refocus with an eye on winning a new initiative next year
E. Mainly go after Mormons who made small donations under duress from their idiotic church leaders
7. Mayorismo!
In this photo, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is:
A. Telling the woman in front of him to get out of the way of the camera
B. Telling the woman in front of him to get out of the way of the mirror
C. Posing with a fellow inductee to Madame Tussaud's new wax museum
D. Wishing he could dance like that
E. Wishing he could wear that skirt
F. All of the above
8. Fat Heads
In a series of reports, scientists studying statins and cholesterol found:
A. That the drugs are so effective that we might consider putting them into the drinking water
B. That the overpriced drugs are only really worth it for high-risk heart patients
C. That some statins are better than others
D. That all statins are pretty much alike
E. That because 50 percent of heart patients have completely normal cholesterol, we should give everyone more than 50 statins
F. That because 50 percent of heart patients have
completely normal cholesterol, we shouldn't rush to prescribe statins
for everyone over 50
G. All of the above
9. Auto Pile-Its
At exactly 8:31 a.m. on Inauguration Day, conservative pundits plan to:
A. Declare that “it's already over” for the Democrats (William Kristol)
B. Opine that Barack Obama “has already blown it” (Joel Kotkin)
C. Compare the cut of the new president's suit to that of Joseph Goebbels (Jonah Goldberg)
D. Ask for a “full impeachment proceeding — now!” (Rush Limbaugh)
E. Declare that Barack Obama is “utterly out of touch with people in McKeesport, Pennsylvania!” (David Brooks)
F. All of the above
G. None of the above
10. Head Lines
In a shocking series of revelations in 2008, it was discovered that the head of this man:
A. Looks like a testicle
B. Holds the future of print journalism
C. Holds a good recipe for fried chicken
D. Likely requires an atypical antipsychotic
E. All of the above
F. None of the above
ANSWERS: 1) E, 2) F, 3) C, 4) C, 5) E, 6) E, 7) C, 8) G, 9) F, 10) A.
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