We knew Cosmo readers were a strange breed. How many times can a girl possibly be caught by her in-laws, taking it doggy-style in her in-laws' bed, with her mom-in-law's gardener on the giving end? Cosmo, which we admit to have not read since we were 16 (except sometimes, on our in-laws' toilet, or whatever) seems a timeless loop of embarrassing moments and terrible dick-sucking tips.

Which might begin to explain the otherwise inexplicable (and inexcusable) response by 20 percent of Cosmo readers to the question: “Would you rather give up sex for a week, or Facebook for a week?“

Writes Cosmo:

“In a poll we just conducted of over 2,000 respondents, nearly 20 percent of people actually said they'd rather give up sex for a week than give up the 'book for a week. Of course, we're happy that this stat also means that four out of five women prefer sex over Facebook. That's more like it, ladies.”

No, ladies. No. That is not more like it. Don't be fooled by Cosmo's negative-space skews of fact! Twenty percent is a huge number of ladies — 400, to be exact.

NBC Los Angeles tries to rationalize this travesty some more:

“Perhaps there's something to this after all. Scientists have found that Facebook interaction can release oxytocin, the same hormone released during orgasm and often gives people the feeling of falling in love.”

Please, Internet! Stop this nonsense! Don't you know Facebook is at the root of teen drug use? Also, deepens depression, and makes you jealous, anorexic, crazy and dumb?

Sex, on the other hand, is the ultimate in confidence-boosting naked bliss. Pretty sure it goes against all instinct and bare necessity to choose a self-destructive pool of fake friends over a full week of the very source of human life and happiness. Ask any guy. And stop reading Cosmo — your psycho is showing.

[@simone_electra/swilson@laweekly.com]

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