[Editor's note: The Door Guy dispenses advice for our sister blog Gimme Noise]

I, the Door Guy, recently took a quick poll at our secret Door Guy clubhouse. We came up with the absolute worst possible things to deal with.

So here they are. For the love of God, don't do any of these things:


Public Sex

Seriously. It happens. And, ew. It's worst in big clubs with lots of nooks and crannies. Nobody wants to glance over to a private, discreet dark corner during their favorite band playing and see people banging.

But I've seen people's definition of “private” and “discreet” get pretty loose by the end of an evening, and suddenly, that naughty turn-on you might experience finding a hidden spot to get dirty just turns into people averting their eyes and pretending that you aren't getting fingerbanged outside the bathrooms while people are waiting in line to take a piss.


Your Icky Mouth

Speaking of gross things in your face: It doesn't matter if it's the hottest day of summer or the dead of winter. Please, for the love of God, don't put your ID, your ticket, or your money in your mouth. Your mouth is not a convenient caddy when your hands are otherwise occupied. It is a disgusting germ factory full of filth. When you put something in it that is going to be in my hand five seconds later, I want to go wash myself with steel wool.


Danny Brown in Minneapolis; Credit: Erik Hess

Danny Brown in Minneapolis; Credit: Erik Hess

Your Impossible Expectations

We are not omnipotent, we cannot be everywhere at once. There's no such thing as instant response time, and sometimes things that shouldn't happen still happen.

Did you hear about that blowjob Danny Brown got in Minneapolis while performing? it is absolutely not a negative reflection on the venue or its staff.

Random oral is exactly that—random. It was over in about five seconds. That's before anyone could react, and certainly before a staff person would have been alerted to it. Yet in the aftermath, some folks got all Reverend Moore in Footloose about it, blaming “the venue” for not preventing all that damn sin.

If you were one of these people, try running through a crowded room of people watching a show without knocking someone over. See how long it takes.


Start a Damn Tab

Okay, you've made it inside without giving me mono. You're thirsty. You're ready to drink. It's a crowded show, you're really excited about the band, and you get a round for you and your two friends. You hand the bartender your credit card. She smiles and says, “You want to start a tab?”

Quick hint: The answer is always yes. Do not ask a busy bartender in a nightclub or rock venue to run your card every time you order a round. You know you're having more than one drink. The bartender knows you're having more than one drink. This weird game of “Oh, maybe just ONE MORE” is just a passive-aggressive attempt to make it someone else's problem that ultimately, you cannot be trusted to drink a reasonable amount.


Credit: flickr/11581147@N06

Credit: flickr/11581147@N06

Your Need for Attention

It's freaking loud in here. You're bored to tears, because while you wanted to go see the show, your boyfriend just ditched you to “rock out” or “dance” or whatever euphemism he uses when he's actually doing a bunch of shots and being kind of a douche.

So you squeeze between five sets of shoulders to grab a bar stool, starving for a little decent human contact, and after a minute or two of waiting, the busy bartender runs over to you, smiles, and shouts over the noise, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

You order, and then, before you can chit chat with the guy serving you drinks, he's poured your Manhattan, given you change, and is off to take care of the other 299 people in the room, right as you were about to start talking to him. Couldn't he pause for a couple of minutes to chat? Isn't that what bartenders do? Answer: No. Bartenders at crowded shows are really busy. Let them do their jobs.


Your Puke

Wait, wait, question for you: Did you and your bros have dinner before you hit the rock show? No? Why didn't you eat something before you went to a hot, crowded room to drink for five hours? That's just common sense, unless you're someone who gets off on the smell of your own vomit melting urinal cakes. And if you are that sort of person, stop going out.

Your Dumb Questions

I am much easier to talk to than a bartender. It's quieter at the door, and my job entails talking to people as they come in. And if you wander back over, I'll talk to you some more to be polite and give you a good customer experience — as much as the busy line will allow.

I'll even give you advice on your love life, or plumbing, although I'd rather you sent me an e-mail (askadoorguy@gmail.com). So feel free to check in with me, but please understand: I don't know shit about the music playing. I didn't read the band's Wikipedia page as research to get ready for the show. I have no opinions on EDM except that it sounds like something for people who are too lazy to spell out words when they are texting on their smart phones.

I will cringe if you ask me if the people on stage have more of a “classic psych” or “Americana” influence, and I certainly don't know when they're playing again. If you like what's going on here, awesome. If you don't, I don't have any way of helping you through your pain. Have another drink in a responsible fashion.


No, this is not me; Credit: flickr/whalec

No, this is not me; Credit: flickr/whalec

Your Weak Game

Yes, I am better looking than your boyfriend. No, I am not the kind of guy who is going home with you, no matter how much you flirt with me, touch me, or lick me on the side of the face.

And, on behalf of the women I've worked door with over the years, they're not going home with you, either. In reality, either way, your flirting has very little to do with who we are and very much to do with the fact that we are the only people in the entire room who have to stay in the exact same spot all night. Explore your issues. You can be a whole person.


Your Blind Rage

If you cannot go out in public without getting in a fight, be it physical or just screaming at someone, you are either choosing to be an asshole, or one by nature.

If you cannot go out in public without sexually harassing someone, you are either choosing to be an asshole, or one by nature. So, I guess, don't be an asshole?

Your General Uncouthness

Last, but certainly not least, remember Ask the Door Guy's Inverse Property of Fun: Those nights when you like to get wild and crazy, whether it be New Year's, Halloween, or Saint Patrick's Day, are the most miserable to work at a bar. Tip well, act like a decent human being, and follow the rules. We all appreciate it.

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