Ali TrachtaIt's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion time! Those delicious three weeks in which Andy Cohen forces the ladies to relive every tension-filled moment from the past 18 episodes they've supposedly “grown from” or “moved past.” (But inevitably just end up fighting about all over again.) The public shaming is why we watch the rest of the season.
So what better way to celebrate than to reflect on what invaluable lessons we've learned from the ever-wise Housewives this year.
Credit: Via bravotv.com
10. Don't bring cameras into your colonoscopy.
Poor Dr. Paul Nassif had to figure this out the hard way. Cameras not only captured his pre-enema nervousness, but the rapid-fire fart fiesta that escaped his ass post-op, before he even fully regained consciousness. How did it happen that Kim managed to keep the lens off her constant escapes to the bathroom but Paul couldn't keep them out of this very private procedure? Lesson learned.
Credit: Via bravotv.com
9. The definition of “Chi Chi Chi”
[shee-shee-shee] noun — A mystical phrase that when said enough times to a Housewife with near bottomless pockets will get you free rein over her budget and Rolodex, resulting in the million-dollar party of your dreams. Regardless of the fact that said party is her daughter's wedding. Well played, Kevin Lee.
Credit: Via bravotv.com
8. Men can be catty bitches too.
Thanks, Mauricio, for proving this point. Usually the reserved gentleman, “Maurice” lost his cool when Kim and boyfriend Ken showed up 36 hours late to his birthday party. He didn't buy their excuse that Ken had to work, (which is, of course, because it was bullshit) but instead of tackling the fib head on, he made a back-handed toast to the importance of “living true.” Mean Girls 2 starring Mauricio Umansky. This is happening.
Credit: Via bravotv.com
7. You can't say, “I fucking hate your wife, and I hate you, and I hate your children,” and then come to a party.
Really, Cedric. What the hell were you doing at the opening of SUR? Wasn't it you who sponged off the Vanderpump-Todds, swimming in their pool and eating their artisan cheeses for half a decade, only to lob these hateful words at them at the end of season one? Not gonna fly at the Sexy Urban Restaurant, my friend.
Credit: Via bravotv.com
6. Your 5-year-old doesn't care about Ace Young.
Right, Kennedy? Oh wait, neither do we.
Credit: Via bravotv.com
5. Winston Churchill is a famous black man who's not Martin Luther King.
Yeah, that was news to us, too. Thanks, Brandi. We can't wait to read your Black History Month report.
Credit: Via bravotv.com
4. Work weeks don't really exist in Beverly Hills.
Case in point: the second most fabulous event that took place this season, next to Pandora's wedding, was her Tuesday night engagement party — a fete that featured an Arabian Nights theme, belly dancers, a cracked-out mermaid, a spread-eagle Kyle Richards and a camel.
Credit: Via bravotv.com
3. Don't date someone who stands at the end of your driveway near your mailbox and waits for you like a creeper.
That's called stalking, Kim. And it's apparently how the elder Richards met boyfriend Ken, who looks like a gay bull mastiff and enabled her addictive tendencies all the way to rehab. Note to Bravo: Can Kim be the next bachelorette on a revival of Date My Ex?
Credit: Via bravotv.com
2. Why Leann Rimes is so skinny.
Because her husband's ex-wife, Brandi Glanville, looks like this in a bikini.
And the No. 1 most important lesson we learned from the Housewives this season was…
Credit: Via bravotv.com
1. Friends don't sue friends.
Not if they want to get into hot parties catered by Fatburger they don't. Next year, Taylor.
Follow Ali Trachta on Twitter at @MySo_CalLife and for more arts news follow us at @LAWeeklyArts and on Facebook.
Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.