After the Weekly's piece a few weeks ago about the 10 guys that every girl in L.A. has probably dated, an Angeleno writer who goes by Brian Wilson — yes, not his real name, but good enough for us — offered to give us his take on the gay scene. Here's his top 10.
10. The Guy Who Only Exists Virtually
Maybe you've seen him around town — easily recognizable by that eerie, Grindr-orange glow –or you've lusted after him online (what is a “date” these days, anyway? Does a three-hour conversation on Growlr count? Sure, why the hell not? This is the part where we break down sobbing.) His profile picture is professionally shot, capturing his comely, not-overeager smile perfectly. He's witty, always down to chat, shares all your interests — and somehow never has time to get together for a drink. Ever. Because he's an illusion, or because he uses gay dating networks to get off on the ego boost, or because he's just that bored. Either way, he's a dangerous waste of time.
9. The Guy Whose Entire Social Life Is Constructed Around The Abbey
You know how you can spend 20 full minutes getting from one side of that dance floor to the other? For this guy, it takes him an hour, because he has to stop and chat — with blaring, frenetic EDM playing and strippers with legs as thick as telephone poles gyrating around him — with 15 people he knows on the way over. His normal Friday night consists of dinner on the patio, followed by drinks in the bar, post-drinks conversation on the patio, a night out in the club, then recovery time and late-night munchies in that weird room that looks like the waiting area for an Indiana Jones ride. A night of passion with this guy is as fun as any other, but if he knows more than one stripper in the place personally, dating him is checking yourself into Hotel Abbey.
8. The Ex-Twink Hipster
This guy spent his youth reveling in bubblegum dance pop, obsessing over every twitch of Britney Spears' arm. Then something changed. Was it puberty? Maturity? The existential dread that descends when one realizes one is older than half the guys at Fiesta Cantina? It's enough to drive a guy to change everything about himself — and so this guy did. His lack of knowledge on any non-charting music released before 2010 is proof positive he's led a double-life. Catch him on your first date at Intelligentsia (where he works) trying to convince you Arcade Fire is the best band ever known to man — and admitting he's never listened to Modest Mouse.
Turn the page for more L.A. gays you've probably dated, including the one who's just not that into you (but is into himself).
7. The Gym Addict
At first, he seems like a dream: a 43-pack, perfectly defined, runs between those pecs and those thighs. He's upbeat, has more bubbly energy than all of North Dakota, and while he didn't get that last joke, who cares with that smile? What a hunk! He wants to work out together for your second date, and that's a sign of a winner. Also the third. Also the fourth, where he'd like to do a quick 45 minutes of cardio and his fifth crossfit routine of the week before heading out to Mozza, where he refuses to order a single carb. All the guys at his 24 Hour Fitness are checking him out. And he's… checking them out, too? Here's the thing: he's not into you, he's into you being into him. And his muscles.
6. The Self-Important Grad Student
Nothing's sexier than intelligence, right? Definitely. But when the dude you're crushing on has about two hours of free time a month and spends both of them talking about insect entomology and only insect entomology, how can a relationship flourish? The prospect of his post-grad salary is promising, but the prospect of spending date nights watching AMC while he cranks away on thesis pages is troubling. Then, when you get down to get down, he's too tired to do anything but cuddle. Yawn.
5. The Perfect Idiot
He has a stable job — a true rarity in L.A. — and to-die-for looks. He's fun at the bar, fun in the sheets, sweet, caring, and so nice he'd rush to save a black widow from death.
But he's an idiot. A forehead-smacking, head-shaking, thinks-Slavoj-Žižek-is-a-Russian-porn-star idiot.
He's the kind of guy who seems like a 10 when you get his number, then you add him on Facebook and see the shared posts from his favorite conspiracy theory pages, middle-school-humor groups and gushing astrology updates (THIS IS ME GUYS!!!) He's perfect, but so dumb you want to push him into the pool at every party when he gets into a conversation about just about anything. Otherwise, yeah, he's perfect. Brain transplants are a thing, right?
See also: 8 Ways You Know It's Autumn in L.A.
4. The Self-Hating “Masc”
This guy is more of a rarity in free-spirited L.A. than other cities, but he's out there, and he makes the bros from frat row look like the cast of Queer Eye. Bro. Do you lift? Bro. Did you catch that fucking call from that idiot ref last night? Bro. Let me show you pictures from this fishing trip I went on last week. I caught a trout as big as your dick's small.
Masculinity sometimes seems like a trait praised among gays more than any other culture. Log into Grindr and take a shot for how many profiles around you mention the word “masc,” and you'll be dead within 10 minutes. There's nothing necessarily wrong with masculinity — you are who you are. If your father taught you to box before he taught you to shave, chances are you'll end up a beer-guzzling football fan no matter what your sexuality is. But if you're so “masc” you can't handle a gay bar that plays anything other than Springsteen or spend the entire time complaining about the lack of “bros” there, it's time to check yourself. Into therapy, bro. And we do lift, thankyouverymuch. We just like to talk about things that are interesting.
Turn the page for more L.A. gays you've probably dated, including ones from a certain city to our north.
3. The Bret Easton Ellis Character
This guy is just normal enough to make himself seem appealingly broken, and that can be an alluring quality. But he's obsessed with himself, with those sociopathic qualities that are so easy to miss and seem like quirks at first: he spends a little too much time looking at himself in the mirror. He's just a bit too well-groomed. He has a glint in his eye that pulls you in, but before you know it, he's talking about his childhood and how twisted his therapist is over coke bumps on the roof of the Standard. Bret's a great author and all, but Less Than Zero wasn't meant to be aspirational — you'd be a fool to date anyone who could appear in his pages.
2. The Ex-San Franciscan
This specimen might not actually exist, because we've been assured that anyone from San Francisco spending more than a week in Los Angeles immediately drops dead due to how terrible our traffic/air quality/sustainability/public transit/municipal composting program is. You can get him for a night, in which case he'll detail every little thing that's wrong with our fair city; good luck ever seeing him in L.A. again — not that you'd want to. Prick.
1. The Perfectly Nice Suburbanite
This guy is actually pretty great. He's a normal gay dude (as normal as it gets, at least): enjoys trashy TV but gets down with a serious David Lynch kick, doesn't limit himself to either fine wine or whiskey, can discuss music, politics and good food, and has fun drunk stories he could tell for days. But he lives in Santa Clarita. Which is, like, fine, you know? Totally OK, right? I mean, traffic's not bad on the — well, fuck, who are we kidding? It's hopeless.