L.J. Williamson
On May 21, 2011, flying zombies and flying nuns will darken the skies above Los Angeles, in a scene far more dire than anything Alfred Hitchcock could have dreamed up. To make matters worse, according to Harold Camping, it's 100% true.
Fortunately, May 20, your last chance to party before the shit hits the profane, falls on a Friday, so the town will be jumping not only with the TGIF crowd but also swollen with the ranks of those determined to party like it's zombie ducking time.
Taking a page from Camping's fast and loose biblical interpretation playbook, LA Weekly has found the best way to spend the end party times in Los Angeles and decoded bible passages that support each choice. Heed these words, my brothers, and it will be a good Friday.
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10. Light off the Hollywood sign with guerrilla pyrotechnics.
Hike some propane tanks and about six crates of roman candles up to the Hollywood sign and light it on fire as a beacon of welcome to Jesus. Sure, a few brush fires might result, but what's more important is that we'd finally get New Year's Eve do-over we were promised back in January of 2000, when scores were disappointed in L.A.'s failure to put on a decent show.
Scripture says: Psalm 104:4: He makes his messengers winds, his ministers a flaming fire.
You know you want to; Credit: Flickr/Chang'r
9. Throw the rotating bar atop the Bonaventure into reverse.
Saturday's scheduled shitstorm will tonight give a whole new meaning to “last call,” so choose your watering hole carefully. Head to the Westin Bonaventure Hotel downtown, fortify yourself with some liquid courage, then sneak past the bartender and locate the switch that sends the bars' rotation in the opposite direction. Pulling this lever (hint: it's disguised as a beer tap) will reverse the space-time continuum and thwart Jesus' wrath. Friends will be anxious to celebrate your quick-thinking heroism by buying you a congratulatory drink or six.
Scripture says: Ecclesiastes 3:1: To everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn, and a time to every purpose under the heavens.
8. Obey the gospel of Blondie.
Go out at night eating cars. Cadillacs. Lincolns too. Mercury and Subaru. Don't stop. Just keep on eating cars. And then, when there's no more cars, eat up bars, where the people meet. Wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall. Eat them all.
Scripture says: Deuteronomy 13:19: You must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants.
7. Host the awesomest bonfire Dockweiler Beach has ever seen.
Ever seen footage of dispensary busts, where cops cart off Hefty bags full of weed in front of weeping onlookers? The Pleasure Chest carries a good selection of convincing cop outfits — pick one up, and the rest writes itself.
Scripture says: Leviticus 6:9: The burnt offering itself shall remain on the hearth on the altar all night until the morning, and the fire on the altar is to be kept burning on it.
6. Park on La Brea between 4 p.m. and 7 p.m.
Since the entire planet will be going up in flames, there's little chance your car will be booted or impounded.
Scripture says: Genesis 22:5: Then Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey.”
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5. Crash an orgy in the Grotto.
The Playboy Mansion's legendary pool has been the subject of less-than-enticing health news stories recently, yet who could say no to an opportunity to slip into its storied waters? Legionnaires disease has an incubation period of two to ten days, so if you get raptured the next morning, you'll still be feeling fine.
Scripture says: Galatians 5:19-21: Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these.
The Grotto
4. Order seafood that has not been caught in an environmentally-friendly manner.
Go ahead, toss out your sustainable seafood wallet card and order the eel roll.
Scripture says: Matthew 7:10: Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?
3. Build a trebuchet and launch puppies into the La Brea Tar Pits.
In Genesis 20, the bible describes the animal sacrifices Noah made to persuade God to quit destroying the earth, and God agreed, saying “Neither will I ever again strike down every living creature as I have done.” Bribe God so that he won't reneg on his promise by trebucheting 8-10 puppies into the LaBrea Tarpits. Should the sacrifice fail to appease, at least the innocent puppies will be preserved for millennia.
Scripture says: Philippians 3:2: Look out for the dogs.
2. Play porn star for a day.
The time for slut-shaming has passed. So what if it winds up on the Internet? Everyone who's still left after May 22 will be just as sinful as you are. Head up to any one of the Valley's still-kicking adult film companies and lay yourself upon their altar, offering yourself up for an airtight or a bukkake.
Scripture says: Ezekiel 23: 21: Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions.
Credit: Flickr/Patrick – msigarmy.com
1. Start an epic pie fight.
The lord wants you to assemble a flash mob to dart past the inattentive waitresses at House of Pies, raid the glass display cases and start launching.
Scripture says: Judges 7:13: And he said, “Behold, I dreamed a dream, and behold, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the camp of Midian and came to the tent and struck it so that it fell and turned it upside down, so that the tent lay flat.”
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