Lina LecaroIf there's one thing Valentine's Day hammers home, it's the suckiness (or lack thereof) of being solo. We're talking S-E-X, people, and for you poor souls who had an unsatisfying week sans even a prospect for V***** or D*** (we're talking body parts, not venereal disease), it's time to put it all behind you and get to prowling the bars again.
We can't guarantee a hookup at any of the following, but we will say that, based on atmosphere, comely crowds, our own get-hit-on ratios and those of our scenester pals (both male and female), these drinking holes seem to provide the best chance to get your hoe down.
As always, boozers looking to get bumpin' should drink responsibly, not drive and be safe about who you go home with. Tell a friend where you'll be, with whom, and promise to call the next day. Here's hoping all you have to deal with after your hookup is a hangover, a walk of shame and a little regret. Who knows? Maybe you'll actually meet your Valentine for next year?
Credit: www.goldengopherbar.com
This gorgeous downtown bar conjures Hollywood glamour better than any place actually in Hollywood. A decidedly retro crowd tends to flock here, so the pick-up lines are a bit more clever. The gilded scenery, seductive sounds and gopher (beaver-ish?) lamps make this a sassy spot to dig and get dug. The pink ladies room is enough to make any gal feel like a temptress upon exit. www.goldengopherbar.com
Credit: Facebook
This one gets wild during weekly karaoke nights and live band jams, but even nights when it's just the jukebox and pool table are swagger-charged. With decadent drinks (yes, there's one called “the Blow Job”), sexy bartenders and sinfully delish food, it's easy to overindulge here in every way … and opt to take the voracious vibe — and someone to share it with — home. backstageculvercity.com
See also: Top 10 Bars With the Hottest Women in L.A.
Credit: Lina Lecaro
Are Latins better in bed? Hard to generalize, of course, but there is something undeniably hot-blooded about the hombres. And us chicas? Where do we begin? A mostly Latino crowd frequents Eastside Luv wine y queso bar in Boyle Heights weeknights, and it's a destination bar on weekends, so it's a lively, diverse mix. The scene is simpatico no matter what the ethnic mix. Live burlesque performances take over the entire bar, raising temps and bringing an interactive zest to the room, heightened by great dance music in between. Amore abounds, even if it's just for the night. eastsideluv.com
Credit: Lina Lecaro
This one is essentially an ode to bad behavior. The walls are swathed with mugshots, mostly rock & rollers. The bathrooms are covered in chalkboard paint and supplied with a cowbell — yes, cowbell — full of chalk for expressing yourself. (We've never been here and not seen at least one rendering of a penis in the ladies room!) And then there's the DIY photo booth (see photo above). A decidedly rock & roll crowd frequents the place (it's co-owned by Pete Wentz), but it is on Hollywood Boulevard, so weekends are more mixed. Newbies always seem inspired by the depraved decor and, a couple cheap drinks later, tend to take over the room's dark crevices for makeout sessions and whatnot. Indeed, there are no angels here. www.angelsandkings.com
Credit: Facebook.com
There is nothing subtle about The Eagle. The popular leather bar is burly boy central. Hairy bears and butchies flock here to dance, down beer and watch gay porn on the club's TV screens. Often, there are (promotional) lube tubes right on the bar next to the peanuts (we'll refrain from a nuts joke). Admittedly, as a straight gal we've only been a couple times, but we do know of many a man-candy connection that was made inside the Eagle's sweaty walls (and we'll refrain from a sweaty balls joke here).
See also: 10 Porn Stars Who Could Be the Next Jenna Jameson
Credit: Lina Lecaro
The legendary Sunset Strip bar & grill is where Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio would often have dinner, but the place is known best for its debauchery, not date nights. It was quite the horny hub during the '80s hair-metal era (Poison's Bret Michaals was known to take ladies into the kitchen for, um, snacks). The ghosts of groupies past seem to haunt the sexy, very '70s room and its patio. An enduring post-show hangout, it's often raining pretty-haired hotties in here late at night. Order and share the famous pizza and picking up is a snap. www.rainbowbarandgrill.com
Porn Star Karaoke; Credit: Paul T. Bradley
Three words: Porn. Star. Karaoke. Yes, this mini-mall bar and grill may not be much to look at, but its sing-alongs tend to get saucier than the place's marinara, providing perfect preludes to pouncing on new peeps. Tuesday's Porn Star Karaoke night aka “PSK” is particularly bodacious, and so packed you kinda have to meet someone whether you want to or not, especially by the cramped back bar. Overheard at Sardo's: “Is that a microphone or are you just happy to see me?” www.sardosbar.com
Credit: Yelp
There are a few things every bar must have for patrons on the make: strong drinks and low lighting. Yes, everyone looks better after a few stiff ones, but lighting helps too, not just because it can mask certain imperfections but because of the mood it can create. 4100 has the best of both and lots of seating to boot. In fact, it may be No. 1 for likelihood of canoodling in the bar itself. And the jukebox rocks. For more info check out its Facebook page.
See also: Top 10 Bars With the Hottest Women in L.A.
Credit: Lina Lecaro
How could Jumbo's not make the list? The ladies at this “burlesque/bikini” bar are hot, hot, hot and they have the best taste in music, too. The location is smack-dab in the middle between Silver Lake and Hollywood. It's dark yet colorful inside. The drinks are strong. The ingredients are all here for a flirty fun evening. Ladies: The sultry stage show gets guys riled and ripe for the pickin.' Fellows: Gals will be flattered you took your attention away from the performances to chat them up. Just make sure you have money to buy a babe a drink — in addition to those dollar bills. jumbos.com
Credit: Stephen Roullier via Short Stop Facebook
Declaring a singular bar as best place to get Elayed was no easy task. Let's face it, there are factors that raise and lower a spot's fuckability potential, and they change nightly. Your looks, their looks, who else might be there (competition), the time of year, the potency of each bartender's pours, the DJ and/or jukebox selectors who happen to be setting the mood… With all these things in mind, we decided to give the Short Stop in Echo Park top spot. Here's why: The dark dance room almost always has great music pumping and the way it's set up — with seating surrounding it — makes it really easy to meet people bouncing back and forth busting moves … and by moves we mean both kinds.
The main bar is narrow, which makes it equally effortless to chat up someone while waiting to order your drink. The pool room provides better lighting to check out what you might be getting into and even a photo booth to preserve it. The crowd is hip but not too hip these days, a mix of EP locals and music-heads there for the killer DJs, for the most part. Most importantly, at night there's always a posse of cute chicks here and desperate-seeming dudes waiting to grind. Always. Even if you don't hit a home run, you don't even need that much play for first and second base. For more info check out its Facebook page.
Check out these other sexy posts:
*USC vs. UCLA Sex Survey: Who's Sluttier?
*11 Craziest Nude Scandals in L.A. in the Last Year (Photos NSFW)
*Crissy Moran, Former Porn Star, Has a New Life and Is 'Fasting' From Men
Follow Lina at @L_in_A and Public Spectacle at @LAWeeklyArts on Twitter. Like us on Facebook.
Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.