Song: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna
History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again and THIS TIME HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE. That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh my God this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."
Song: One Direction's "Story Of My Life"
History: A long time ago there were barber shop quartets and then after that the New Kids On The Block, and more recently five UK dudes were like, "We're One Direction" and they were a hit.
Atmospherics: Like the boys are suddenly really into Mumford & Sons. Or like they're starting their own nondenominational church.
History: Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her "Katy Hudson" because that's her real name. In 2001, she was like, "You know what? I'm gonna release a Christian album," so that's what she did. It flopped.
Then she was like, "You know what? God can't take me to the top, bro, but I know what can," and so she changed her name to Katy Perry and swapped out our Lord and Savior for a bra that squirts out whipped cream. She's since sold approximately 10 million albums. "Roar" comes from her new album, Prism. It's not that great, but since she's not talking about Jesus Christ it was able to top the charts. Pretty cool world. Here's why it sucks:
Song: "Royals" by Lorde
History: Some time between year 1250 and 1300 Eastern Polynesians settled on (what we now know as) New Zealand. In 2007 Flight of the Conchords had a show on HBO. Then the one guy from Flight of the Conchords (not the curiously handsome one, the one with the weird mouth) was the bad guy in Men In Black III. And then now Lorde has a song that a lot of people like. That's the entire history of New Zealand in about 70 words.
Last year, Kendrick Lamar released good kid, m.A.A.d. city, his gorgeous proper debut album and the best rap project of the year. Late Monday, he released the video for "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe," the most soundly executed track on gkmc.
You can see it below, and you will see that it possesses nearly the exact opposite characteristics that make his lyrics so vital. It is unfortunate. Let's walk through it.
Song: Miguel's "How Many Drinks"
History: This song came out and now they play on the radio a lot and so everyone is kind of realizing HOLY FUCK THIS IS BAD.
[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears regularly on West Coast Sound.]
Song: Justin Timberlake, "Suit & Tie," featuring Jay-Z
History: "Suit & Tie" is the first song from Justin Timberlake's new album(!), The 20/20 Experience. People were super excited about the song before it was released, and I guess some still are* given that it's broken a few records since it came out, but a lot of people are wondering why it wasn't called "Shit & Tie" instead.
See also: *The Worst Rap Tracks of 2011
Guest appearances by Brad Pitt, Arsenio Hall, Clint Eastwood , Prince, the Pakistani guy from Seinfeld, Kristen Wiig, Eddie Murphy, Nic Cage, the kid from Boy Meets World, the guy from Entourage that helped Vince nearly ruin his everything; all of them, more. These are the ten worst rap songs of 2012.
[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday. However, this week we're utilizing science to explain why a song is goddamn amazing.]
Song: Future's "Turn On The Lights"
History: history? History? HISTORY? Don't be absurd. For there to be history would imply that the time-space continuum holds the Atlanta rapper Future in its grasp, that he is bound by the same physics that governs rove beetles and plums and mailmen. Future is no mortal. Future is the GODKING. Future is the Earth and the air and the cosmos and everything and nothing. Future is the alpha and the omega. Future is the father of Chaos and the son of Chaos at the same damn time. History? Please. Your face is history. (Also, Future plays at Key Club tonight.)
[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Maroon 5's "One More Night"
History: "One More Night" is from Maroon 5's mostly supposed-to-be-saucy-but-mostly-forgettable Overexposed album, which, FYI, does not include naked pictures of Adam Levine in the liner notes so don't buy it if that's what you were thinking. You will be way disappointed when you open it*.