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Haterade

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Haterade

Six People to Avoid When Forming a Band

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Tue, Jan 21, 2014 at 3:45 AM
allofem.jpg
All illustrations by Dave Watt

Being in a band is hard. Assembling a band is almost impossible. As anyone who's been through a few bands can tell you, meeting a self-proclaimed "musician" can be a terrifying experience. Sure, you might be making the acquaintance of a caring, compassionate, intelligent person. Then again, he or she might be a psychotic, self-serving demon. We'll let you guess which is more common.

Sure, we enjoy a drummer in a nice, silk Western-style shirt as much as anyone, but there comes a time we must rise up and take a stand. So furrow your brow and focus as we save your sanity by providing six people to avoid when forming a band.

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Friday, January 17, 2014

Friday, January 17, 2014

Haterade

Six Songs to Get Everyone in the Bar to Leave

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Fri, Jan 17, 2014 at 4:00 AM
manowar-640-80.jpg
Old press photo courtesy of Manowar 

It happens all the time. I walk into a bar to sit down with a relaxing beverage, and before I know it some 22-year-old asshole is having a birthday party. And that all they want to hear is crap. I could get up and spend $5 of my own money on the jukebox, but there's always a chance that some hick with a fat wallet will decide to override my playlist with "Around the World" by Daft Punk.

Instead, I've figured out a way where I don't even have to get up, and don't have spend more than $1 to clear out a group of assholes. Nearly all of these online jukeboxes have smartphone apps. You can download them and control the machine from your phone. They'll also offer you the ability to play your song next, for a small additional fee. It's the "next" function that's key to clearing the riff raff out the room, so you can have some peace. Here's what you play:

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Monday, December 2, 2013

Monday, December 2, 2013

Haterade

Why Music Critics Shouldn't Date Other Music Critics

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Mon, Dec 2, 2013 at 3:45 AM

FLICKR/AMOR & SEXO
  • flickr/Amor & Sexo
They say artists shouldn't date other artists, and actors shouldn't date other actors. This is also the case when it comes to music writers. For starters, music writers are a miserable lot who are mostly paid in concert tickets, ego-stroking and swag, rather than actual money. Plus, they're opinionated like no one else, and conversations about their preferred musicians often amount to little more than dick-measuring (yes, even for the ladies).

Once upon a time I dated another music writer, and the emotional results weren't always pretty. So take heed! Here are the reasons not to make the mistake I did.

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Thursday, January 24, 2013

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Haterade

Let's Be Honest: Sonic Youth Are Really Boring

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Thu, Jan 24, 2013 at 4:00 AM

Sonic "Youth"
  • Sonic "Youth"
In the annals of rock there are many bands that people pretend to like, bands with fandoms consisting entirely of people desperately wanting to appear interesting by proxy. Royal Trux is a good example, as are Ween. Basically any Burzum fan who isn't a corpse paint-wearing, basement-dwelling Nazi from the hinter regions of Norway fits neatly in this category. King among bands that no one actually likes, however, is Sonic Youth.

See also: Pearl Jam Are the Most Boring Band in 20 Years

I remember the first time I heard Sonic Youth. I was about 13 and somehow acquired a copy of the tape on SST that runs backward on one side and forward on another. I know, right? How creative. After about 10 minutes of atonal moaning and swirling noise, I went back to my Black Flag and Black Sabbath records. How pedestrian of me, right?

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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Festivals

Why I'll Never Go To Burning Man

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Tue, Aug 21, 2012 at 9:21 AM

If you squint you can see me nowhere in this picture - FLICKR: TANAIS
  • Flickr: Tanais
  • If you squint you can see me nowhere in this picture
See also:

*Genital Portrait Studio: The Five Silliest Burning Man Camp Names

*We're All Going to Die: How to Pack For the Most Intense Burning Man Yet

It's about that time of the year again, when IT department heads and quality control experts shake off the shackles of their workaday lives, drop acid and hopefully get busy with multiple, anonymous partners. That's right kids, Monday brings us the Grand Poobah of all summer festivals, Burning Man, known as "The Burn" by the attending pungent throngs.

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Friday, August 10, 2012

Friday, August 10, 2012

Haterade

We Ask A Designer Why No Doubt's New Record Cover Sucks So Hard

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Fri, Aug 10, 2012 at 9:54 AM

Settle_Down_No_Doubt.jpg

Orange County ska group No Doubt just released their first new single in a decade, "Settle Down." We couldn't help but notice the cover of the record looks like dog shit. So we asked Dann Miller, a renowned graphic designer responsible for one of the year's best album covers, a few questions about it.

This No Doubt album cover is pretty terrible. Explain what makes it so.

Where to begin? First of all, I disagree with the full band photo on the cover. No one wants to look at the not-Gwen ding dongs in the band for any reason. They're in their 40s and still rocking eyeliner, teenager clothes and mall hair. Zoom in on Gwen, show a little side boob and call it a day. Instant platinum. Then there's the fact that this photo was raped to death in Photoshop.

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Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday, July 13, 2012

Haterade

Little Known Fact: Woody Guthrie Was a Big Ol' Racist

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Fri, Jul 13, 2012 at 8:50 AM

Woody_Guthrie_playing_guitar_6311.jpg
See also:

*Woody Guthrie in Los Angeles: A more vivid picture of the folk singer emerges via newly released songs from his time here

*New Woody Guthrie Songs Speak Poorly of 1930s Los Angeles

Woody Guthrie is one of the most universally celebrated musical figures of the 20th century, and there's been a gale of veneration accompanying the 100th anniversary of his birth tomorrow. This includes a weekend of tributes and events in his former 'hood Echo Park, and the renaming of a public square downtown in his honor. Our feature this week, meanwhile, tells the story of his time in Los Angeles, pre-fame, through analysis of four unearthed singles that were recorded here.

But much of Guthrie's story has been overlooked in our nation's attempt to lionize him as a working-class crusader and political icon over the years. For starters, few know that his father was a Klansman. Pops was also an upper-middle class Okehma, Okla., politician and land speculator. Guthrie, then, learned to sing and play guitar by imitating blues records from the comfort of his bedroom, not around a migrant labor camp fire. Throw in a nasty racist streak (outlined below), and one can make the case that his public and political presentation was fake, a theatrical facade.

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Friday, June 8, 2012

Friday, June 8, 2012

Cock Rock

Def Leppard Are a Bunch of Assholes

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Fri, Jun 8, 2012 at 9:55 AM

Assholes - PAUL T BRADLEY
  • Paul T Bradley
  • Assholes
See also: Top 20 Hair Metal Albums of All Time

Def Leppard bailed on a fashion show yesterday. We know because we were trying to cover it. Fuck our life.

See, Rock of Ages, the movie, comes out next week, and its title comes from a Def Leppard song. The film features Tom Cruise singing "Pour Some Sugar On Me" (vomit) and apparently Def Leppard were on set when Cruise performed it and they liked it (double vomit).

In any case, the British cock rockers are in promotion mode for the film, which was supposed to bring them to a fashion show in a West Hollywood garden yesterday...

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Friday, March 30, 2012

The American Males of "AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES!" fame.
  • The American Males of "AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES!" fame.
See also: Rock Out With Your Lockout: 5 Awful Athlete Songs

Sunday is Wrestlemania 28, the WWE's annual sports-entertainment extravaganza. This year's card, headlined by The Rock vs. John Cena, is among the most anticipated of all time.

One of our favorite parts of the event is the spectacle of the superstars' entrances. While the greatest theme music, from Hulk Hogan's "Real American" to Steve Austin's glass-shattering, is fondly remembered as character-defining prime slices of Americana, the absolute worst are lost to the sands (or is that slams?) of time. We put the "sport of kings" in the Sharpshooter for a look at the five worst wrestling themes of all time.

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Monday, March 26, 2012

Monday, March 26, 2012

Haterade

The Most Overrated Male Musician Sex Symbols

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Mon, Mar 26, 2012 at 5:30 AM

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See also: Top 20 Sexiest Male Musicians of All Time: The Complete List

Last week, we unveiled the Top 20 Sexiest Male Musicians of All Time. As usual, there were cries of "What about that one guy I think is hot?" We agree with some of them. Jim Morrison was a talented mess with serpentine hips that looked good in leather. Michael Hutchence was a talented mess with enviable hair who looked good in leather. We regret those omissions, but hey, a democracy is a democracy.

But some revered sex symbols are overrated. LL Cool J's been up in the gym way too much, for instance. Jon Bon Jovi looked better with feathered bangs. Some men have it; others only briefly hold it. Here, then, are the five most overrated male musician sex symbols.

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