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Deathmatch

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

New York Dolls in the 70s
  • New York Dolls in the 70s
[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two things that have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

In the 1970s, two bands took the bluesy swagger of the Rolling Stones and the Yardbirds to new levels: Recent Songwriter Hall of Fame inductees Aerosmith and proto-punk titans New York Dolls. But which band reigns supreme? The comparison is hardly arbitrary. Readers of Legs McNeil's classic tome Please Kill Me will remember that the two bands originally shared management, with an agreement that one band would make it and the other would be left in the dust.

Full disclosure: The present author hails from New England and is, as such, heavily biased.

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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Deathmatch

What's Better, Fifty Shades of Grey or Staind's 14 Shades of Grey?

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Tue, Oct 23, 2012 at 3:55 AM

fiftyshadesfortop_thumb_280x205.jpeg
[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two things that have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

Released in 2003, 14 Shades of Grey is the fourth studio album from alt-bro / tough-guys-in-pain rock band Staind. It was the follow-up to their incomprehensibly successful Break the Cycle.

E.L. James' bestselling housewife masturbatory novel Fifty Shades of Grey , meanwhile, has just spawned a cross-branded album of classical music. Released in September, it contains songs mentioned in the novel and inspired by its protagonists' love of classical music. It is now now #4 on Billboard's classical chart.

So, which one's better, Fifty Shades of Grey or 14 Shades of Grey? Below, we compare them in a number of important categories.

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Thursday, August 2, 2012

Stewart Staredown.
  • Stewart Staredown.
[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

Dave A. Stewart, best known as Annie Lennox's other half in '80s new wave act the Eurythmics, recently produced a new Joss Stone song in support of a stricter UN arms treaty. He has spent the last three decades composing tunes and producing others. When it comes to music, he's not exactly a lightweight.

Meanwhile, Dave "Smoke" Stewart is a three time World Series champion former pitcher known for his intimidating stare. While he's a former Dodger, he's best know for his dominating stint with the Oakland A's. When you stepped to the plate, your ass was basically his. He's now a baseball agent.

So, who's better, Dave Stewart or Dave Stewart? Below, we compare them in a number of important categories.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Deathmatch

Hardcore Deathmatch: Cro-Mags vs. Beowülf

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Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:00 AM

Cro-Mags with Harley Flanagan at center
  • Cro-Mags with Harley Flanagan at center
[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

See also: Top Five Best Post-Hardcore Records

Harley Flanagan, founding bassist of New York hardcore crossover act Cro-Mags, made headlines this weekend. Frustrated with current members, he allegedly knifed two of them, including his replacement.

Critics often credit Cro-Mags with kicking off the late-'80s hardcore-metal movement. No one can deny they helped rip hardcore from its punk roots. However, is the 'Mags landmark 1986 debut The Age of Quarrel as good as another 1986 record released right here in L.A. -- Beowülf's self-titled debut? Let's break it down.

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Deathmatch

Deathmatch: Verdi vs. Wagner

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Tue, Feb 28, 2012 at 3:30 AM

Verdi vs. Wagner
  • Verdi vs. Wagner
[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the main event of 19th-century opera! In this corner, sporting facial hair resembling a terrier, composer of 26 operas, the man from Milan, the Italian Stallion, Giuuuuuuseppe Veeeeerdiiiiiii. Over here, rockin' the neck beard, the composer of 13 operas, the bad boy from Bayreuth, the Teutonic Terror, Richard Wagnerrrrrrrr.

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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Deathmatch

Deathmatch: Which Is Better, Pub Rock or Garage Rock?

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Thu, Jan 26, 2012 at 3:30 AM

Dr. Feelgood
  • Dr. Feelgood
[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

Every couple of years, garage rock rears its head again, whack-a-mole-style. Garage per se isn't the problem, but rather kitschy blues rock. Hello Black Keys! On the other hand, there's pub rock, a key component of British proto-punk. British R&B made even more rough, grimy and dangerous, it includes bands like Ducks Deluxe, Dr. Feelgood and The Count Bishops.

They forged the network of clubs and pubs that later made punk possible, while also providing a template for the attitude. Before The Sex Pistols, The Adverts and The Damned, the British pub rock scene boasted raunchy riffs, bad attitudes and missing teeth. And so, for this deathmatch we have five separate match-ups, garage rock vs. pub rock for the crown of White Boy Blues champion.

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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Deathmatch

The Boss vs. the Bawse: Who's Better, Bruce Springsteen or Rick Ross?

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Tue, Jan 24, 2012 at 8:41 AM

The Boss
  • The Boss
See also: Battle of the Barbies: Who's Better, Lil' Kim or Nicki Minaj?

[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

Rick Ross is a portly MC. Bruce Springsteen is a canonical singer-songwriter who once got a lot of compliments because of his ass. Both are known as The Boss, although with Ross it's more fun to spell it The Bawse. He recently rolled through town, while Springsteen is performing here in April. It begs the pregunta: Who's better, The Bawse or The Boss?

Deepness Of Voice

Springsteen has manly, gutteral singing chops that once epitomized American masculinity. Ross's voice sends eight-year-old Chilean boys into puberty against their will.

Point: The Bawse

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They can both throw out runners at second from this position
  • They can both throw out runners at second from this position
See also: The Boss Vs. The Bawse: Who's Better, Bruce Springsteen or Rick Ross?

[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

Lil' Kim is a rapper who was mentored (and maybe some other things) by Notorious B.I.G. Nicki Minaj is rapper who was mentored (and maybe some other things) by Lil Wayne. Lil' Kim is the first female MC to educate notoriously squeamish male rappers about the joys of cunnilingus and Nicki Minaj continues to champion the cause. Both call themselves Barbies, like to diss the other, and rap about hardcore sex acts. So, who's the baddest bitch? (Hint: not Trina.)

Sex appeal

Nicki Minaj drives both men and women crazy. At first she flirted with lesbianism, giving women hope and men masturbation material. Then, she said she abstains completely, which also works because everybody loves a challenge. Still, raise your hand if you had the Lil' Kim Hardcore album cover poster on your wall.

Point: Lil' Kim

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Thursday, January 19, 2012

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Deathmatch

Ozzy Osbourne vs. Ronnie James Dio: Who's Better?

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Thu, Jan 19, 2012 at 4:00 AM

BlackSabbathWithOzzy_thumb_480x323.jpeg
[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

A singer's voice impacts a band's sound so much that a replacement basically creates a new group. Black Sabbath, who single-handedly charted a course for dark and evil metal, replaced Dark Prince Ozzy Osbourne with Elven Wizard Ronnie James Dio. Ozzy reigns supreme among many Sabbath fans, but the late great Dio has his admirers. Let's stack the two up against one another using the DeathmatchTron 6000.

Overall Catalog

Most Ozzy-era Black Sabbath is unfuckwitable. Black Sabbath might be the first true heavy metal record. Paranoid and Master of Reality offer up dirty, doomy, dirgy riffs that peel paint. However, the outfit also gave us Technical Ecstasy and Never Say Die. The less said about those, the better. And, let's face it, Ozzy can't really sing. He just follows the riff.

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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Deathmatch

Who Is Superior, R.E.M. or Soul Asylum?

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Tue, Jan 10, 2012 at 4:30 AM

rem_thumb_480x358.jpeg
[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

See also:

*The Talking Heads Were Way More Innovative Than The Ramones

*Stravinsky vs. Schoenberg: Who Was More Gangsta?

The alt-rock explosion of the '80s and '90s gave us titans like R.E.M. as well as also-rans, like Soul Asylum. Although the world has stuck with Michael Stipe through his many years of weirdness, folks more or less forgot about Dave Pirner around the time he and Winona Ryder split. But that doesn't mean one's outfit is better than the other's. Below, then, through an arbitrary-seeming-but-actually-deadly-accurate set of criteria, we shall determine who is superior.

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