Six Songs to Get Everyone in the Bar to Leave

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Fri, Jan 17, 2014 at 4:00 AM
Old press photo courtesy of Manowar 

It happens all the time. I walk into a bar to sit down with a relaxing beverage, and before I know it some 22-year-old asshole is having a birthday party. And that all they want to hear is crap. I could get up and spend $5 of my own money on the jukebox, but there's always a chance that some hick with a fat wallet will decide to override my playlist with "Around the World" by Daft Punk.

Instead, I've figured out a way where I don't even have to get up, and don't have spend more than $1 to clear out a group of assholes. Nearly all of these online jukeboxes have smartphone apps. You can download them and control the machine from your phone. They'll also offer you the ability to play your song next, for a small additional fee. It's the "next" function that's key to clearing the riff raff out the room, so you can have some peace. Here's what you play:

6. Manowar
"Achilles, Agony and Ecstasy In Eight Parts"

The Iliad, by Homer, is 704 pages. Manowar, a heavy-metal band that is the musical equivalent to Conan the Barbarian, wrote a song about The Iliad that clocks in at 28 minutes and 38 seconds. And it's a damn good song. Fortunately for you, there are a lot of people out there who sincerely hate and fear metal music. There are total squares out there who think guitar solos sound like fingernails on a chalkboard. When you play this song for those people, wimps and posers will leave.

5. Allman Brothers
"Mountain Jam"

The Allman Brothers Band are known for hits like "Jessica" and "Ramblin' Man." What most people haven't gotten around to learning is "Mountain Jam" off their 1972 album Eat a Peach  - the ultimate elevator music for dusty old freaks.

There's actually a chance your targets won't leave. The Allman Brothers has a pretty distinctive guitar tone that is pretty tolerable. But you'll turn the entire bar into a dopey blues club for a half an hour. Plus, a lot of people listen to jam bands, and those people are all insane. If anyone recognizes this song, you can probably buy drugs from them.

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