Yesterday, the video for "Black Skinhead," a gorgeous track from Kanye West's Yeezus, escaped the gravity of the Kanyeniverse and found its way onto the Internet. People lost their shit. I was standing in line at the grocery store scrolling through my Twitter timeline when it happened. I saw it and got so excited that I just started ax-kicking shit in half. I ax-kicked a cardboard candy stand in half. I ax-kicked grocery cart in half. The security guard was like, "Yo, chill out! What's going on?" I shouted, "The video for 'Black Skinhead' is out!" The security guard got so excited that he got a boner. And then I ax-kicked that bitch right in half too.
By the time I got home ("EVERYONE GATHER 'ROUND THE 'PUTER, KANYE'S NEW VIDEO IS OUT!"), the video had gone into Password Protected mode, then disappeared altogether completely. But it has resurfaced on several sites. And that's what's above.
To be clear: the version that leaked is not the official version, which I suppose makes talking about it largely an unnecessary exercise, comparable to favoriting a tweet or learning math. But still, in the matter of rap videos, particularly in the matter of rap videos that feature Kanye West getting all the way naked, it is always best to leave no dong unturned. So, let's hold hands and walk through it together:
0:00: I am so excited. I am so excited. I am so excited. I Am So Excited. I Am So Excited. I AM SO EXCITED. I AM SO EXCITED. IAMSOEXCITED IAMSOEXCITED. IAMSOEXCITEDIAMSOEXCITED IAMSOEXCITEDIAMSOEXCITED IAMSOEXCITEDIAMSOEXCITED IAMSOEXCITEDIAMSOEXCITED...
0:01: Dope. We're starting with Black Ku Klux Klan members. This is America's nightmare.
0:05: Aaaaand there are the barking Doberman pinschers. This guy that lives down the street from me just got a new dog. It's an adoption puppy. He's a cute little fellow. I saw him yesterday. I wish I had a dog. I wish that dog was an English Bulldog. I would tell everyone he was a British Bulldog though. Remember him? Fuck yeah, you do. Wrestling in the '90s was way better than it is today. Razor Ramon would crush all of these chumps. OH MY GOD DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT RAZOR RAMON DOCUMENTARTY THAT ESPN DID IT WAS DEVASTATING I ALMOST STARTED CRYING AND OH My goodness this doesn't have anything to do with the video. Sorry.
0:18: Is that a bunch of zombie Kanyes. Crazy. Imagine if you trained them all to interrupt each other while talking, Taylor Swift-style and they just kept doing that shit all day to each other over and over and over again? That'd be dope. It'd be like a real life GIF.
0:37: Wait a second. Is that Kanye?! Jesus. He's yoked. That is not what happened to me when I became a dad. The opposite, in fact. Like, shirtless, it ain't a pretty thing. From my neck to me belt loops it looks like a great, big, flesh-toned bell pepper, or like an adolescent, flesh-toney stingray. It's gross. If I was married to me, I'd cheat on me with Video Game Kanye so fast.
1:21: Wait. Umm... is this it? Like, this is all that's going to be happening? I hope some interesting shit starts happening soon. I don't know that I can just sit here and watch Video Game Kanye and his muscles just bounce around for the next two minutes. A two minute video on the Internet is like an eight hour movie in real life. Ideal: Those Black Klansmen from earlier come back and start fist fighting the Zombie Kanyes. OH MY GOD that would be SO ILL. Boner back.
1:45: Yep. This is it. :(
1:56: Holdonnow. New character. Some sort of Spike Monster. Maybe he'll be the one to st--fuck. Never mind. He's gone.
2:15: Dudes, like, the amount of muscles that Regular Human Kanye gave Video Game Kanye is pretty ludicrous. Like, I mean, he has mirrors in his house, right? You gotta know that that's not accurate. It's like the part in Weird Science where the guys are building the girl and they give her megaboobs, except here he didn't ungive himself megaboobs.
2:16: I'd just like to point out that I'm getting paid to write this and that last blurb has the word "megaboobs" twice and "ungive" once. Sorry, America.
2:17: Fingers crossed someone leaves a comment saying L.A. Weekly should ungive me money.
2:46: Video Game Kanye's walking away. Thank goodness. This is finally over.
2:53: Ohp. He's back.
2:54: Oh, and he's naked. Cool. He's just sort of milling about in the background.
2:59: HOLY CHRIST. DUDES, DID YOU SEE THAT? PAUSE THE VIDEO. REWIND. THAT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN WHAT IT WAS.
2:56: Playing again.
2:57: Wait for it.
2:58: Wait.2:59: Bam! Yep. Video Game Kanye just flashed his Video Game Kanye Dong. Oh my word. It reaches to his knee. I don't even... like, what do I... is there a... how can I... I hope that my wife isn't... this is really just... I mean, is there... 3=====> :'(
3:23: It's still in my brain. It looked like the neck of the Loch Ness monster. It looked like in elementary when the firemen would come to your school and then they took out the fire hose. It looked like if his body had grown three arms and then realized it had an extra one and was like, "Oh, I know where to put it."
3:35: Okay. That's it. Video over. Good luck living your life.