Yesterday, the video for "Black Skinhead," a gorgeous track from Kanye West's Yeezus, escaped the gravity of the Kanyeniverse and found its way onto the Internet. People lost their shit. I was standing in line at the grocery store scrolling through my Twitter timeline when it happened. I saw it and got so excited that I just started ax-kicking shit in half. I ax-kicked a cardboard candy stand in half. I ax-kicked grocery cart in half. The security guard was like, "Yo, chill out! What's going on?" I shouted, "The video for 'Black Skinhead' is out!" The security guard got so excited that he got a boner. And then I ax-kicked that bitch right in half too.
By the time I got home ("EVERYONE GATHER 'ROUND THE 'PUTER, KANYE'S NEW VIDEO IS OUT!"), the video had gone into Password Protected mode, then disappeared altogether completely. But it has resurfaced on several sites. And that's what's above.
To be clear: the version that leaked is not the official version, which I suppose makes talking about it largely an unnecessary exercise, comparable to favoriting a tweet or learning math. But still, in the matter of rap videos, particularly in the matter of rap videos that feature Kanye West getting all the way naked, it is always best to leave no dong unturned. So, let's hold hands and walk through it together:
0:00: I am so excited. I am so excited. I am so excited. I Am So Excited. I Am So Excited. I AM SO EXCITED. I AM SO EXCITED. IAMSOEXCITED IAMSOEXCITED. IAMSOEXCITEDIAMSOEXCITED IAMSOEXCITEDIAMSOEXCITED IAMSOEXCITEDIAMSOEXCITED IAMSOEXCITEDIAMSOEXCITED...
0:01: Dope. We're starting with Black Ku Klux Klan members. This is America's nightmare.
0:05: Aaaaand there are the barking Doberman pinschers. This guy that lives down the street from me just got a new dog. It's an adoption puppy. He's a cute little fellow. I saw him yesterday. I wish I had a dog. I wish that dog was an English Bulldog. I would tell everyone he was a British Bulldog though. Remember him? Fuck yeah, you do. Wrestling in the '90s was way better than it is today. Razor Ramon would crush all of these chumps. OH MY GOD DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT RAZOR RAMON DOCUMENTARTY THAT ESPN DID IT WAS DEVASTATING I ALMOST STARTED CRYING AND OH My goodness this doesn't have anything to do with the video. Sorry.
0:18: Is that a bunch of zombie Kanyes. Crazy. Imagine if you trained them all to interrupt each other while talking, Taylor Swift-style and they just kept doing that shit all day to each other over and over and over again? That'd be dope. It'd be like a real life GIF.
0:37: Wait a second. Is that Kanye?! Jesus. He's yoked. That is not what happened to me when I became a dad. The opposite, in fact. Like, shirtless, it ain't a pretty thing. From my neck to me belt loops it looks like a great, big, flesh-toned bell pepper, or like an adolescent, flesh-toney stingray. It's gross. If I was married to me, I'd cheat on me with Video Game Kanye so fast.
1:21: Wait. Umm... is this it? Like, this is all that's going to be happening? I hope some interesting shit starts happening soon. I don't know that I can just sit here and watch Video Game Kanye and his muscles just bounce around for the next two minutes. A two minute video on the Internet is like an eight hour movie in real life. Ideal: Those Black Klansmen from earlier come back and start fist fighting the Zombie Kanyes. OH MY GOD that would be SO ILL. Boner back.