By DC9 At Night
See the 12th Commandment.
You're going to South by Southwest, right? Or you're already there? One of those things is bound to be true. Well, we here at DC9 have got some advice for you, and we've managed to format it all into the style of commandments, because one of our favorite things to do is pretend we're angry Gods. Or something like that. We're not really sure, but the doctor told us it was best to just go with it.
So, here they are, the 50 Commandments of SXSW 2013.
2. Thou shalt not forget you're never getting into Stubb's BBQ.
3. Thou shalt not forget to loudly say "my herpes are roaring" in the middle of a packed show.
4. Thou shalt not forget to forget deodorant, you wouldn't want to smell good.
5. Thou shalt not shout "the dragons are coming" in the middle of 6th Street unless you're certain they are.
6. Thou shalt not hesitate to tell the guy next to you the traffic is terrible, he probably doesn't know.
7. Thou shalt not fail to respect the the pedicab drivers.
8. Thou shalt not fight it: just fall asleep on the curb in front of Pete's Dueling Piano Bar.
9. Thou shalt not forget to ask the homeless: ARE YOU WIFI READY??? (this is a joke about how someone made a homeless person a fucking WIFI necklace to wear).
10. Thou shalt not let the police tell you you can't build a pillow fort across the street from the Fader Fort.
11. Thou shalt not urinate on the Capitol building. Have you seen Texas prisons?
12. Thou shalt not loudly proclaim Bourbon Street to be better than 6th Street.
13. Thou shalt not loudly proclaim the weather to be immaculate.
14.Thou shalt not do what I did last year, which was consume too much rum and pretend to be a singer so you can infiltrate a group of musicians jamming, order them to play "BLUES IN E!" and then start singing "Brand New Cadillac" by the Clash.
15. Thou shalt not try and break into that inviting red door in Death Metal Pizza using a credit card -- they shalt not appreciate it.
16. Thou shalt not forget that "corporate synergy" is the key phrase to getting out of annoying conversations, but that sometimes this might backfire spectacularly.
17. Thou shalt not forget that your unsigned band doesn't become any more special simply because you're in Austin -- if anything you just diluted your specialness. Good job.
18. Thou shalt not forget to tell everyone how much better SXSW was "back in the day".
For Christ's sake, don't break any of these commandments this year.
19. Thou shalt not fail to try to see Prince. That would be suicide. Can you imagine going to SXSW and not bothering to even try seeing Prince? You won't get in. But at least pretend to try.
20. Thou shalt not try and remember what you did to that cat on Friday night. It's better staying repressed.