[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Chris Brown's "Don't Wake Me Up"
History: "Don't Wake Me Up" is the hyper danceclub track from Chris Brown's latest album, Fortune. Apparently, wherever it is that Chris Brown was raised, kids are taught that the word "fortune" is a synonym for "poopfest," because that's absolutely what that album is.
Atmospherics: Like if a Red Bull Energy Drink drank a Red Bull Energy Drink and then called a few other Red Bull Energy Drinks like, "DUUUUUDES I'M TOTES ABOUT TO RECORD A SONG RIGHT NOW AND OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD IT'S GONNA BE EPIIIIIIIIIIIIC!" and then he recorded that song and it turned out to be awful.
Scientific Analysis: Chris Brown has been famous for approximately seven years now. He's had five different albums and been on over 100 tracks. Still, with all of that, with all of those miles, only three things have appeared to be concrete:
1. He has nice abs. I saw him in concert this last time he was on tour. At one point, he picked up his shirt to reveal his stomach. My mouth made an instinctive, "...DAAANNNNNG." I wished it hadn't, but it did. The end.
2. He is crazy. Remember the nude photo that leaked? Remember the Drake fight? Remember the battered woman tattoo? Remember the blonde hair? Remember the chair through the window?
3. He is capable of making exactly two kinds of songs: Really great ones (even today, 2006's "Run It" still plays like a masterpiece) and really shitty ones. When you're a father of sons, any time one of them falls down, there are only two responses you'll ever say; either "He'll be okay," or "Call a mortician." If Chris Brown is the dad of his songs, he should've called the mortician for this one. Or something.
"Don't Wake Me Up" is basically every David Guetta song, except with zero percent David Guetta. And is a David Guetta song with no David Guetta even really a song at all? No, no it's not. It's a big hot plate of poop. And, like, that's not hyperbole for the sake of education. That's stone fact, chillbros. Why do you think they call the David Guetta Mathematical Theorem the "David Guetta Mathematical Theorem"? Look, I found this scribbled on a piece of paper in a hallway where Matt Damon was working as a janitor.
Malibooyah. That's math, playa. Or, rather, that's a little thing we like to call Grabbing The Argument By The Nuts.