Why This Song Sucks

The Beatles' "I Want To Hold Your Hand": Why This Song Sucks

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Wed, Aug 1, 2012 at 7:49 AM

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: The Beatles' "I Want To Hold Your Hand"

History: The Beatles are The Beatles and "I Want To Hold Your Hand" is "I Want To Hold Your Hand." Let's all just fall all over ourselves to pretend like we love it, I guess.

click to enlarge BeatlesChart.jpg

Atmospherics: The song sounds like The Beatles were the first crappy garage band even though I'm not sure they even had garages back then; it also sounds like an uncompelling "That Thing You Do," with womp-womps and timid drums.

Scientific Analysis: Science is a lot of things, but one thing it is not is nostalgic. Which is why "I Want To Hold Your Hand" is invalid. There are two arguments that pseudo-Beatles fans have relied on for eternity.

"Oh, but the musicianship is amazing. They don't make music like that anymore."

Tomfoolery. It's four guys plucking away at instruments they can barely play. You know what would've happened if you'd have sat Ringo down in front of an MPC500? His goddamn head would've exploded.

"I Want To Hold Your Hand" is basically the Bob Cousy of music. Cousy is considered one of the 50 greatest NBA players of all-time. He is revered. He's a legend. He is beyond reproach. And LeBron James would absolutely destroy him in they had the opportunity to play against each other. Competition is too big today. Cousy wouldn't crack a D League roster in 2012. LeBron James would've averaged 1,000 points a game in 1952.

50 Cent would've thrown hella slander at The Beatles if he was around back then, and 50 Cent has only ever been considered a Better Than Good musician one time in his career (Get Rich Or Die Tryin', 2003).

"Oh, but the songwriting was so subversive and brilliant."

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