[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful"
History: "What Makes You Beautiful" is the first single from UK boy band supreme, One Direction. (Note: I'm not certain which direction One Direction point. Probably towards Shitsville would be my guess.) It's been in Billboard's Top 10 for the last eleven weeks, which is pretty remarkable considering none of the five boys in the group know how to sing. So way to go, World. You got it.
Atmospherics: Pop sensibility all out the balls; plucky plucks; preteenagery hand claps.
Scientific Analysis: Let's ignore that nobody in One Direction, a boy band that sings, actually knows how to sing. Also, let's ignore that nobody in the group dances, which, measured in kind, should be no less troublesome than a basketball team that doesn't know how to dribble, shoot or pass. And let's ignore that total dick move fake out at the beginning where they lift the incredibly exhilarating first beats of "Summer Nights" from Grease.Instead, an anecdote that I wish was about someone that wasn't me, or that was at least a little more creative:
Generally, the way this column works is: I find a song to write about, listen to it over and over and over again, then write about it. This all usually takes place Monday nights between 8:45 and 11:45, depending on (a) whether my sons have been hobgoblins of terror or just regular run-of-the-mill hobgoblins (the former necessitates a later start time, generally due to me having to talk myself into not murdering everyone in the house because HOLY FUCK HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU TELL ONE KID TO STOP PUTTING THE REMOTE CONTROL IN THE FRIDGE); and (b) if there is something else pressing that needs my immediate attention, like trying to throw marshmallows into a hat across the room or sending tweets to Drake asking him if he'd like to hang out and maybe play some XBOX 360 and just be a real chillwave bro with me for a little while.
For this one, things were running efficiently. Minus a few minutes dealing with Ceiling Frog*, everything appeared proper. But then I threw up in the shower and I knew that this song was no good.
I listened to the song probably eight times. Then I started feeling nauseous. Then I said, "Well, a shower will probably fix this." Then I got in the shower. Then I said, "This was not a good idea." Then I stood there confused looking at vomit on my feet, which is a place I'd never previously seen it.