Why This Song Sucks

Train's "Drive By": Why This Song Sucks

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Thu, Jun 7, 2012 at 4:00 AM

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Train's "Drive By"

History: San Francisco band Train got famous singing about a confusing girl named Virginia and then they got SUPER famous singing about Jupiter and it's accompanying drops. "Drive By" is the lead single from their latest album, California 37. The most important thing to know about it is that it appeared on an episode of 90210. But not the vital '90s version, the new version that you might not even know exists.

Atmospherics: Bright, cheery guitar plucking; self-loathing* hand claps; ultra catchy catchiness.

*I freely admit that describing hand claps as "self-loathing" is just about the most arrogantly assholey thing anyone can do.

Scientific Analysis: There are any number of scientific grievances to be filed against "Drive By." It's most egregious offense, though, occurs at the expense of love, the neurochemistry of which is as valid* any of the -ologies.

click to enlarge train4.jpg

An examination of some of the lyrics:

"I didn't leave you 'cause I was all through. Oh, I was overwhelmed and scared as hell. Because I fell for you."

Dude. For real? Like, forrealforreal? You know when that excuse works? Never. Because it's a lie. You don't not drink because you're too thirsty and you don't break up with someone because you love them too much.

If a person has ever said that to you, that they loved you so much that they needed a break from looking at your face but now they're back and they're TOTALLY ready to deal with that overpowering love for you, know that they just finished having sex with someone you hate. That is a fact. Here, look. Even Google Translator understands:

click to enlarge Google Translator: Playa hatin' since 2006
  • Google Translator: Playa hatin' since 2006

Note: Incidentally, while plodding around on the Internet doing research for this post, this accidentally happened:

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