Loading...
Serrano Time

Here Are the Songs They Play at a Middle School Dance

Comments (0)

By

Thu, Jun 7, 2012 at 9:23 AM
click to enlarge imgres.jpg

The Ten Best Latin Alternative Albums of 2012

Top 20 Worst Bands of All Time

1:04 pm: In about 25 minutes, I'm going to be chaperoning a middle school dance. The dance is for the school's graduating 8th graders, of which there are several hundred. I've probably chaperoned fifteen of these things already. It's like being a bouncer at a night club, except this party will take place in a cafeteria and nobody told me not to let in Black or Mexican people.

1:08: Oh shit. They're serving free cake at this dance. That's actually kind of great. There'd probably be less hostility at proper night clubs if they gave away cake, right? Once when I was in a club, I got into a bit of a tiff with a gentleman. Shortly thereafter I snuck up behind him on the dance floor and punched him in his ear as hard as I could. I'm almost certain that wouldn't have happened if I'd had a slice of Italian Cream Cake on a Styrofoam plate in my hands. Fuck your nightclub for not serving cake, yo.

1:34: There's a girl in here with a tattoo on the back of her neck. That's neat. It reads, "Mala Fama." Literally, that's Spanish for "Bad Fame," but she's only 15, so basically it means "I Need Better Parents."

1:37: They're playing Usher's "Climax." What the fuck is happening right now?

1:40: Oh snap. Went from Usher straight to 3ball music, which is basically a more modern, trendier, hipper version of Cumbia music. It's been around in Mexico for a decade or so and is fairly recently beginning to gather itself into a "thing" in America. Mexican kids, particularly those with visible ties back to Mexico, love it. With good reason, too: It's an energetic dance music rooted in Latino culture that has, almost incidentally, spawned the rise of the Hispanic Hipster. (Peruse this site for a bit to see some of its characters.)

1:40:15: p.s. There was no transition from Usher to the 3ball mix. "Climax" stopped, there were a few seconds of silence, and then the new music came on. The DJ has zero idea what he's doing. Poor guy. He's just over there clicking buttons.

1:45: "Thriller"? This guy is killing me. Zero continuity. He couldn't have spent any time planning this mix, right? I mean, fuck. One time for Valentine's Day I gave a girl some chocolate milk, a pair of neon shoelaces and a card with a picture on it of a dog smoking a cigar that I'm fairly certain was meant to go to a dad celebrating the birth of his first child. (All available at your local Walgreens, FYI.) In fairness, I was only 14 years old, which meant I wasn't having sex yet*, which meant I wasn't really trying to impress her that much, but still. It was bad. I knew it even then. This is worse than that.

*I started having sex at fifteen. I was 5'5" and weighed about 115 pounds. I'd like to find the girl I lost my virginity to and ask her a million questions. The first: What the fuck were you thinking?

1:52: Ah, yes. He's playing "Cha-Cha Slide." See, now this is a good song to play at a middle school dance. It's timeless and everyone gets to participate and there's a template in place so nothing gets too crazy and they can all--- WAIT.

1:53: OH NO...

1:53:15: HE PASSED THE BRIDGE. HE'S GOING TO LET IT PLAY THROUGH. THAT MEANS...

1:54: Yep. We just hit the "hands on your knees, hands on your knees" part. God save us all.

2:01: "Macarena." HE'S PLAYING THE GODDAMN MACARENA. THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON. CLOSE AMERICA.

2:12: Redemption: He's playing "Humahuaqueno Carnavalito" by King Africa, the most bizarre, incidentally brilliant Argentine recording artist of all-time. Click that video above. That's the song that's playing right now. And that dance that he's doing, EVERYONE in here is doing it. It just got live as fuck in here real quick.

Related Content

Now Trending

  • The 50 Most Beautiful People at Coachella

    So many Coachella-goers spend months before the festival working on their tans, their outfits, their figures, and their breezy poses.  There's a real glut of fabulousness, we have to say, both among those in attendance at the Polo Grounds and the parties surrounding the festival. Here are the 50 most beautiful...
    8
  • What Music Do Frat Guys Like?

    Frat guys were once thought to be the Neanderthals on campus, particularly when it came to their cultural tastes. But you'd be surprised the kind of music you hear at fraternity parties today - it's often more Low End Theory than fratstep.  To wrap our heads around what the bros are into, we...
  • Worst of Coachella 2014

    Coachella's first weekend was amazing this year! Except when it wasn't. Here are the parts of the festival that rubbed us the wrong way. See also: The 50 Most Beautiful People at Coachella Worst: Saturday Night dust storm (above) Conditions may not have been as bad as they were during last...
    4

Slideshows

Los Angeles Event Tickets