[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: MC Hammer's "Too Legit To Quit"
History: It was no "You Can't Touch This," but lots of people remember "Too Legit To Quit" because it came with a nifty little 4-part hand gesture. Remember?
Too bad it was three moves too long. The amended version:This song is ridiculous. Let's go.
Atmospherics: Mechanized claps; noodling bass lines; swells; "Too legit"s; cascading whomp-whomps; "Get buck, get buck"s.
Scientific Analysis: Isn't this song SO much fun?!?! It is, it is!! YAY!
You know what else is fun? Science, that's what. But the problem is that this song is fiction.
See, it posits that MC Hammer is so legitimate that it is literally impossible for him to quit. And that is a reasonable enough premise. Except that Hammer isn't legit enough to not quit. He's not even close.
Let's say that the Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em album was seminal enough that he begins this song with 100 percent legitness. (That's generous, maybe even delusional, but whatever.) After deducting points for his transgressions here, he's at, like, maybe 35 percent, and everyone knows you need a minimum of 85 percent legitness to not quit.
Said transgressions:(1) Let's start with him materializing from flames at the beginning of the video. I guess maybe there's a thing called Spontaneous Combustion*, but there's sure as shit no such thing as Reverse Spontaneous Combustion. -15
*Debatable. I suspect the 200 or so cited cases of Spontaneous Combustion in human history instead have something to do with 2 Chainz, though I've not firmed up a proper hypothesis yet. More on this at a later date, for sure.
(2) Some actual words he says: "In the game, lame and insane, it's a shame I gotta do this"; "When I feel high, post, don't you play me close, I dig 'em smack"; "I like hot dogs, frogs, run to the store, Lincoln logs." WTF, right? I mean, I made that last one up and nobody would've ever known if I hadn't told you just right now, that's how ridiculous the ones before it are. That's -20, bro.