[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called To Say I Love You"
History: Stevie Wonder wrote it. Everyone went crazy. It won some awards. Later, some other guy that knew Stevie Wonder was all, "Hey, everyone, I wrote this song, not Stevie." Stevie Wonder was like, "Nah, bro. I wrote that shit."
Atmospherics: A wonky, keyboardian digitization of love that fails the test of authenticity.
Scientific Analysis: I suppose the message of this song is to be sweet or honest or sincere. But if you remove the white lace and the glitter from the red construction paper heart, it's found to mostly be a celebration of codependency, which is totally not aces, yo.
There are certainly acceptable times to call someone and tell them that you love them, but doing so for the sake of doing so ain't one of them.
Science has solved a lot of the planet's mysteries, but navigating LOVE has not been one of them. The two should be kept away from each other, under penalty of imprisonment.