In a recent column I introduced everyone I was touring with, but I left out Heathcliff -- the co-tour manager and publicist for Odd Future -- on purpose because I needed a whole column to give everyone the rundown on how badass this guy is. He is one of the least intimidating people in the world but walks around every show wearing a full Adidas tracksuit, no shirt and a gold chain to let people know he doesn't take shit from anyone.
After the show in Vancouver, I was hanging out with Heathcliff when two guys walked up to us, asking to get on the tour bus, to kick it with the group. These guys were all weird; they looked like 40-year-old pedophile hippies. Heathcliff told them to get lost, and naturally they took offense. They began to walk away and talk shit at the same time. One of them claimed he was a blacksmith and threatened to chop us up with his sword.
So about 15 minutes pass. I had walked to McDonald's to try to convince employees that I was the CEO of their company. On the way back I noticed the losers had re-turned, and brought three more of their friends with them. These guys were all surrounding Heathcliff and mouthing off to him, trying to seem intimidating.
I was still pretty far away and began to super-speedwalk because I figured he'd need my help, but it turns out I was wrong. One of the guys got up in Heathcliff's face, called him a "pussy head boy" and hocked a loogie straight onto his forehead. Heathcliff exploded in outrage and began yelling and turning super-red.
He beat the dog shit out of all five of those guys in a span of about 4 minutes and 23 seconds. He grabbed one guy, picked him up by his shoulders and hurled him through a brick wall. He then removed his jacket and charged at another guy to roundhouse-kick him in the face, completely shattering the man's jaw.