Dr. Jasper Dolphin, a member of that one rap group known as The Odd Futures, is set to receive a medal of honor, the key to the city and the Nobel Peace Prize this week. Why? The outstanding deed he did for the community.
I was lucky enough to be in my Tae Kwon Do class across the street from where it all took place, and thus could see it firsthand. Mr. Dolphin was walking Fred, his pet chinchilla, in the rougher area of the city, where the thugs and scalawags hang out.
He noticed a three-story apartment building with very dark smoke coming from it. He saw a man on the third floor screaming, "Help!" Jasper is pure of heart; while most people would either just watch or call 911, he decided to go out on a limb and endanger his and Fred's lives by going into the building to attempt to rescue any civilians.
I'm not sure what happened in there because I was watching from across the street (in case the building exploded, or some other crazy movie-type shit happened), but after 13 minutes and 48 seconds Jasper leaned out of the third-story window with three baseheads on his shoulders and a baby in his hands.
By this time the entire building was engulfed in flames, and the fire was trapping them in that one room. With the fire spreading quickly, Jasper knew it was time to think fast and take control like Nick Van Exel would do for the Lakers in the fourth quarter. So he jumped out of the window -- with all four people still clinging to him -- and slid down the side of the building until he was halfway down.
A big explosion blasted a big-ass couch out of the second-story window onto the ground, at which time Jasper catapulted himself off the wall and landed on the couch in style, saving everyone.