February is the month we worship upon the altar of amour -- and what better way to let Cupid's arrow fly than investing your hardly-earned dollar bills into the g-string of a bare-bottom UCLA co-ed? If you need some risque recommendations once you or your significant other is sleeping off that expensive champagne and carbohydrate coma, here are the Top Ten Songs that Namecheck L.A. Strip Clubs:
10. Strip Club: Sam's Hofbrau
Song: "Reggie Waiting At The Bus Stop" - Lush One, Phillipdrummond, Nocando
With envious lyrical adeptness, Nocando not only raps about both Phillipe's "French dips" and chipped "French tips" in the same breath, he manages to cunningly represent Downtown Los Angeles' most Germanic strip joint, Sam's Hofbrau, with the lyrics: "Ooh this hot broad/can drop jaws/Baby lookin' like she got off a table top job at Sam's Hofbrau (dollas!)/You know, that topless bar."
In this single act of musical charity, NoCanDo educated a whole entire city of people that tits can in fact be seen at Sam's Hofbrau. You know, in case you were wondering.
9. Strip Club: The Jet Strip
Song: "Sexuality" - DJ Quik
If you enjoy standing mouth agape while listening to exceptionally kinky lyrics set to a spastic dance beat than DJ Quik is here to slap you across the cerebral cortex with his erotic hip-hop adventure. And where does this adventure take him? To his first stop before becoming a member of the "Mile High Club"--Inglewood's The Jet Strip: "Hey, You say you need a side job, make an extra knot (Money)/Clubbin at the Jet Strip horny niggas spot (Funny)"
Hey, a sexually-deprived stewardess cannot live on sly booty smacks alone.
8. Strip Club: The Body Shop
Song: "Dangerous MCees" - Method Man & Redman
Life is dangerous for Method Man and Redman. Yes, life is hard when you are a drug-pushing, stripper-loving hip-hop star who apparently even gets respect from Herbie Hancock.
After Method Man and Redman play video games with their favorite notable jazz veteran, they somehow manage to sell "Chris Rock" (who would buy him?) and check out some body drops at West Hollywood's The Body Shop: "got a ziplock of bubble gum/just for selling Chris Rock/Nobody move, nobody shot/Meth, I'm in the Body Shop/Where you rummy, rolling your body drops."
7. Strip Club: Spearmint Rhino
Song: "Good Old Bill" - The Maccabbees
Strip clubs are not just for sexed-up, hip-hop dudes. Indie rockers, like The Maccabees, need to see alterna-boobies bounce at Spearmint Rhino. Even if that means grandmother subsequently dies for the sake of ironic lyrical pathos: "Spearmint Rhino was taking our money/When Gran was robbed of her own life, honey."
6. Strip Club: Jumbo's Clown Room
Song: "Perfect Day" - OPM
No list about Los Angeles strip clubs would be complete without a sugary, summery reggae-tinged bro tune and a non-sensical allusion to the infamous Jumbo's Clown Room in Hollywood.
With a reputation as the old stripping grounds for rock star elite like Courtney Love, Jumbo's Clown Room is a quintessential rocker bikini bar on the street level of Hollywood Boulevard. With apparently nothing underneath it.
Which is why OPM's lyrics don't make sense: "Had a feelin' this was a day to stay in bed/I finally left my pad right under Jumbo's Clown Room."
Unless the lucky fool lives in the basement and then it really is a perfect day.