Behold, the Stachtastrophe!
10. Local Natives - Taylor Rice
Hometown heroes Local Natives have swept up this years' best of lists, and more than a few critics have remarked on the quality of guitarist/vocalist Taylor Rice's mustache. According to my intern's research, it was the most highly rated mustache. Well shaped, thick, and dude-like, Rice has cultivated a top notch stache patch.
Category: The Stalin
9. Honus Honus - Man Man/ Mister Heavenly
Man Man basically sounds like a band of muppets, and with his floppy-under-nose-rug, lead howler Honus Honus looks like one. Now that the outlandish front muppet has joined up with Mister Heavenly, Honus Honus' manly lip forest will make up for bassist Michael Cera's porcelain pre-pubescent face zone.
8. Eugene Hutz - Gogol Bordello
In the middle 2000's, Gogol Bordello's Eugene Hutz was like the rock music's mustache Marco Polo. He was one of the first to display a sweet set curly handlebars as though they were riches brought back from the Orient. Of course, when the stache epidemic spread a few years later, stacheologists trace it all back to patient zero: Hutz.
7. Jesse Hughes - Eagles of Death Metal
Eagles of Death Metal don't sound like the Eagles or Death Metal. Frankly, it's a ruse. But lead guy Jesse Hughes stash is the real deal. Like a sasquatch, or yeti, it is certainly a rare species: The Ginger Stash. Don't tell M.I.A., she's got no love for the gingers.
Category: Soup Strainer
6. Damian Edwards + Kevin Stewart - Crystal Antlers
Few L.A. area bands can celebrate double stache action (btw, don't google that, unless you dig that kind of thing). But Long Beach's Crystal Antlers employs a one-two-punch with percussionist Damian Edwards and Kevin Stewarts pair of nostril warmers. Huzzah!
Category: The Reynolds and the Theo Huxtable
5. Ashok Kondabolu - Das Racist
The U.K. is a paradox. England is home to the World Mustache championships, but Tuesday they denied entry for Das Racist, the lazy-rap Brooklynites who occasionally sport noble nose brooms. These gents are hirsutically gifted, let them bestow their stashes upon thee, Britain!
Category: The push broom
4. Bill Kelliher - Mastodon
Rocking faces is much easier when you've got a rockin' face. And there's no doubt that Mastodon's master shredder Bill Kelliher has a stache worth a damn. Kelliher battled some health problems and alcoholism this year, and we wish him, and his stache, a speedy recovery.
Category: The Western
3. Nick Cave
Nick Cave's Grinderman project this year may be one of his best yet. What could be the source of the wildman's endless energy? That mustache, methinks. Like a Sampson of the the stache, Cave only gets better as his whiskers gets whispier, longer, dare I say... stronger. Will his male-patterned radness ever end?
Category: Fu Manchu
Now I know what you're thinking. Where's Diplo's mustache? Trust me, if you haven't seen it, you're not looking hard enough. Perhaps it's only best seen when the morning sunlight refracts off the hundreds, nay MILLIONS of tiny fiber-optic cable-like stubs embedded into his boyish upper lip. It's truly a mustache miracle.
Category: Peach Fuzz
1. J. D. Samson - Men
It's really hard for many dudes to get a nice burly stache going, but it's even harder for ladies to get one. That's why we're so impressed with J. D. Samson from MEN/Le Tigrel. There it is, majestically inhabiting that no man's, er, i mean no woman's land that lays barren beneath a lady's nose. Nair? Don't you dare...