10. In a very special Snoop Dogg track called "Stoplight," Snoop educates the layman on the proper way to enjoy Napoleon's favorite champagne.
"Half past late and I'm still rollin' / Real hoein', make a nigga pocket still swollin' / Still goin', black and white tip-toein' / Flash in my playa's car (Why you play so hard?) / Cuz I'm a don, sippin' Moët, smokin' chron."
Moët et Chandon is no stranger to rap songs. What sets Snoop's verse apart is how seamlessly he slips this high-class champagne into his routine, and couples it with some weed. It reminds me of that time I attended a champagne-tasting class where they paired Moët with some aged, hard cheese. The class should've been taught by Professor Dogg.
9. Kayne West gets emo--and flaccid?--in his track, "Bittersweet." Here he talks about the troubles of alcohol consumption.
"Now this Hennessey /
Is gonna be the death of me /
And I always thought that you /
Havin' my child was our destiny /
But I can't even vibe wit you sexually /
Because every time that I try /
You will question me."
Is he using her legitimate queries about his alcohol problem as a scapegoat for not being able to get it up? Sounds like the Henny Hen is killing a bit more than you originally though, Ye.
8. Mickey Avalon, takes booze-peddling poetry in a different direction with his song, "Mr. Right."
"Who's that man in the black sedan / With two cheap hookers and a Mexican / Bumping white lines, sipping warm Coors Light / Mickey Avalon, call me Mr. Right."
It feels like Mickey's really being honest with us and with himself. There's clearly no pretense in these lyrics, because who would possibly want to be in his shoes during this ordeal? Warm Coors Light? Yuck.
7. Then there's Lil Kim's endorsement of a more summery alcoholic beverage juxtaposed against the subject matter of the song, "Queen Bitch."
"Sippin' zinfandel, up in Chippendales / Shop in Bloomingdales for Prada bags / Female Don Dada has no problems spittin' cream with my team / Shit's straight like nine fifteen, y'nahmean?"
All of this said just moments after this key couplet: "Bet I wet ya like hurricanes and typhoons / Got buffoons eatin' my pussy while I watch cartoons."
6. Fabolous tries to recall a night in which he sees someone short. This verse is taken from, "This Is My Party."
"Ain't no tellin' what this Hypno will do to me / I'm feelin' like I can do what I want now / Dip-low immunity, shorty!"
What's strange is that in the music video for this song, it seems like Hpnotiq is some kind of chemical weapon invented by the U.S. Military.
5. Some rappers take the easy route: a) create your own brand; b) peddle it shamelessly. And nothing says shameless like Ludacris. Here's a verse from "Turnt Up."
"Pistol-grip pumping so don't come nowhere near me / Or you might get blown to pieces, or get blown to shreds / Only way you'll still be living, is in the night of the living dead,
I say, when I get a remix I'ma rip this song / I dedicate this flow to the Conjure Cognac that I'm sipping on."
Nice one, Lude.
4. 50 Cent's "In Da Club" needs no introduction:
"Go, Shawty, it's your birthday / We gon' party like it's yo birthday / We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday / And you know we don't give a fuck/ It's not your birthday."
Though, revisiting Fiddy's words, I feel troubled by some pretty clear signs of either early onset Alzheimer's or Bacardi-related brain damage. Notice how he states that it is, in fact, Shawty's birthday, but then he says they're going to party like it's his birthday. Has he already forgotten that it's Shawty's birthday? Has Shawty's birthday already passed?
3. P. Diddy on the remix of "Oh Let's Do It" has some great lines about the French vodka that just so happened to feature him in its ad campaign.
"Bitch I am a problem, I just bought the Delano / Pimpin' in my convo, bitches come in combos / Pictures of Christopher on my wall all in my condo / I don't fuck with fake hoes, all I touch is J-Lo's / All I drink is my shit: Cîroc by the case load."
He also was quoted saying, "If you're not drinking Cîroc, then you're drinking
Pee-pee." Look out, Don Draper.
2. And of course, one of rap's greatest, longest lasting love affairs: Cristal and Jay-Z.
"You can't roll a blunt to this one / You gotta, you gotta well, ya gotta light a J,
You gotta puff a J on this one / You can't even drink Crist-OWL on this one / You gotta drink Crist-ALL."
That was Jigga, correcting your pronunciation as he belittles all comers in a song about manners called "Excuse Me Miss." They go together like Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle.
1. We had to bring back Diddy for his spoken word endorsement of another booze in this Busta Rhymes track, "Pass the Courvoisier."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just pass the Courvoisier / Pass me that Louie that motherfuckin' ... / That that that iron groove nineteen vintage motherfuckin' medieval ...
Ow, bitch. Yea, just pass the Courvoisier / That that shit make, that dark shit just make me ...
Make me wanna fuck, straight up, I just need to want ... / This make a nigga dick hard as a ..."
After that, an apparently puffed up Puffy just trails off and the track ends. I can honestly say, I have never wanted some Courvoisier more in my life.